Alien skis for free

Despite the heightened security at Bellyair ski resort Stoopisvisor Stankley's girlfriend eluded the law. According to marketing know-it-all Joan Larry Blower, police were given free passes at the BellyAir resort in order to help cut down on crime. Seemingly their presence, according to Larry Blower, helped crack an infamous equipment theft ring. Tony Lanza, the former Supervisor allegedly is under investigation. Thousands of tickets were given away to law enforcement agencies throughout New York and one hotel in Pine Hill along with their waitress, the current girlfriend and Baby Mama of Stoopidvisor Stankley. Yet, despite the mountain crawling with law men, the women who is in the country illegally, was never apprehended and skied for free.

Joannie attempts to create her own history

As a business owner here, the lack of discount ticket programs at Bellyayre Mt. this year has hurt you.

You know that when Belleyayre is at its best, it helps every other business in the region and that it is well-managed, and the whole state took cutbacks. But that didn’t stop Stupidvisor Stankley and Crosseyed Ventures from throwing Tony and the locals under the bus and try and get Belleyayre taken over by ORCA.

It's not a money maker for the state. Never has been, never will be. They break even at best, but it’s good for the region.  You also know that local controversies have created an impression for some that the Belleayre Mountain is a "loser."  Nothing could be further from the truth, well my truth at least. It's the Belleayre Resort that is the loser, especially if you invested in it. Sure Crossroads needs ORCA to develope their resort, but let's not go there.

            As we (Crossroads) try to end 62 years of DEC stewardship, it is critical to highlight how even though  I screw up everything I put my hands on, I am not above taking your money yet again. As we pray for a transition to ORCA operation, nothing could be more important than you financing my resume. That’s right I have a newly formed LLC, Mountain Bleedia.  I plan on kissing ORCA”s collective ass and try and land  a marketing job there. That way I don’t have to waste my time in Kingstown helping poor people. I can work for ORCA and push the Crosseyed Resort.

If I am to move into ORCA from a position of strength and, most important, let our new leaders know that as a con artist, I will expect nothing less than excellence and graft in the operation of these facilities.

            To that end, we are developing and will publish in March, an "album" of stories and photographs. Tentatively titled WE SCREWED BELLEAYRE, it will tell the history of the ski center through the faces and voices of the employees, skiers and community business owners who have cared for it, supported it, used it and promoted it for 62 years and then got screwed. Ultimately, the album will be a shoving piece that demonstrates that even though things aren’t as bad as Stankley and Crosseyed Ventures made things seem.

            The album will be designed as a keepsake and is sure to become an heirloom piece in many local homes. It will be one of the last publications (NOT COUNTING LAWSUITS) done while Bellyayre is still operated by the DEC, and its sepia tones inside will make it a joke of an historic artifact. WE SCREWED BELLEAYRE will be suitable for bird cages and puppy training pads.

And the best part is, I want you to pay for it! Ads to underwrite production costs will be designed and laid out to blend with the bullshit nature of the album.

            The more underwriters we have, the more impressive this will be to ORCA officials. So we hope you'll support this effort ……. AND GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

 Very truly yours,

JLB

Shandaken looks to legalize Junkyards next

GOT JUNK?

A few of the cars waiting for Chucky's attention in Big Indian NY

 March 2, 2012, Shandaken NY- In a not so surprising move the Shandaken Town Board is drafting a law to legalize several junkyards in the town. Stupidvisor Stankley noted that although the new law would allow junkyards in every part of town, he specifically is targeting The Biiiiiig Indian area and the hill behind the diner.
"Chucky Perrriz has always been a great supporter of mine" Stankley recalled lovingly, "why he was the only one who came and thanked me after my 12% tax hike"
Chucky's station on Rte 28 no longer sells gas, he fixes a car here and there but the real money is in towing, he laughed.
" I love to tow cars, and it gets me away from the ol'ball and chain" Chucky bemused " but really I do kinda suck at fixing them, but when anyone asks I AM working on all of these, ALL 30-50 of them"
Shandaken has a long tradition of ignoring laws broken by people the administration likes, owes money to or happens to be related to. Take the legalization of Piggleys Farm Stand on Rte 28. Proving that you don't actually have to have a farm to have a farmstand, led Chucky to beg, er, ask Rob to make him legit also.
"Well, I fix more cars than Al grows tomatoes, so thats gooder, but how well I fix them or how much I over charge is not relavant." Chucky said "Why just go to Phoeny Town and ask that pancake flipper how much I charged to get her motor running, She'll tell you how cheap I am. Inexpensive too."
" It's not just Chucky I am beholden too" Rob Jr. added " Poor Sammy didn't get to have a cell tower behind his junkyard, well because his junkyard was illegal and people didn't want cell towers. I am just trying to be nice"  

A couple more over by the creek that are waiting for the parts to come in

When asked about the new tough zoning officer in town, Rob Jr. laughed. "We own him"
He went on to describe the "inventory" Bitchy Smokes was able to amass while he "worked" for Bluffy at NotSharp. Grants and old people are quite the lucrative combo.
" He can send himself a violation, look at his yard. And besides Shandaken Zoning Officers never act without a formal complaint from a citizen, Why should they have people mad at them? With a formal complaint you get to pass the buck."
"Once, when I was allowed out, Ok,  my wife was out of town so I went out," Chucky confessed" I went to the bar and found Rob. I heard a rumor neighbors were going to complain, They said my mess was keeping them from selling their property. So I told Rob, Bitchy has two junk cars on his lawn, what ya going to do now pretty boy. Make me legal"
Rob agreed,  then they did body shots till the wee hours of the morning.
A hearing will be scheduled at a future inconvienant date.

and a few more

Belleayre Mountain Ski Center temporarily shuts down due to apparent staff shafting

Rob Stankly Shandaken Town Stupidvisor hangs on

By JAY BRAINLESSMAN JR.

Corruptpundent

HIGHMOUNT, N.Y. —  The stage was set Saturday morning at Belleayre Mountain Ski Center for what promised to be a great day of skiing.

There was freshly fallen snow covering the slopes, a rarity this winter, and it was a holiday weekend, one that historically has been a busy time at the state-owned facility.

But with all the snow and all the skiers, there was still one critical element missing: The staff needed to get the chairlifts running.

“I don’t know what it was,”  Joe Schmelly, chairman of the Coalition to Screw Belleayre, said Monday of the staff shortage.

Schmelly said that he went to Belleayre Saturday morning to look at all he ruled over and saw that no lifts were running and heard that it was due to several staffers calling in sick that morning. Those staff were critical employees needed to inspect the chairlifts and get them running for the day, he said. “They have no right to get sick, we own their asses, “

Schmelly said he is aware that the situation is being viewed by many as some form of protest of the anticipated takeover of Belleayre by the Olympic Regional Crossroads Authority, but he was quick to note that regardless, the matter was handled quickly with the help of a cooperative Windbags Mountain.

“ Screw those sick people, they are just little people, did they have the brains to make a cool half mil off Don Guitar like I did? No, NO.  My wife took time off from her bulimia and plastic surgery schedule to buy a crap piece of landlocked land for a couple of thousand and wa-lah, Deen turned it into 500,000. Hah who gives a crap these people worked at Bellyair for 25 years and want a pension. They can kiss ORCA’s ass if they want to keep their benefits. “

Windbags is a privately owned ski center in Greene County and a competitor of Belleayre, but according to Schmelly, the operators of Windbags offered help and sent their SCAB’s to Belleayre to get the lifts going.

“They were skiing by mid-day,” Schmelly said. "Stankley was drinking by sunrise"

Schmelly said that if one were to assume that this was some form of a job action, that it is an unfortunate residual to the impending change that is store for the Bellyayre and its employees.

“I couldn’t care less that change is unnerving,’ he said. “What we really don’t want is communication between the state and the community about what exactly is happening. Deen and Glarry will import workers for next year. Our new motto is “SCREW THE LOCALS, WE DON’T NEED EM’”. Boob Knawful has used that one for 30 yrs. “

On Monday several calls to Bellyayre’s Stupidintendent, Tony Ponzi, went unreturned. Rumor has it he is always whining how he has no friends. “Deen moved, Glennn died, Klab and Stankly Sr. went crazy,  I am all alone,” has been heard from behind his closed office door.

Saturday’s events came on the heels of a petition circulating in the region urging Gov. Andrew Cuomo “to re-engage Belleayre’s Stupidintendent, Tony Ponzi,  together with the dedicated employees who have worked so hard to insure the success of the Bellyayre Ski Center.”

“Yeah good luck with that” laughed Schmelly.

Meanwhile Shandaken Stupidvisor Rob Stankly Jr. was in the bar unaware the lifts were not running.

“What? I will fire every one of those f^%$*ers that did not show up!! “ Stankly stammered when he became apprised of the situation. “They will be sorry when they get their tax bills and see the increase in taxes that goes directly to ORCA. They’ll come crawling back to me”

When told the so-called sick employees did not work for him, they worked for the DEC, Stankley, burped, farted and ordered another drink. Sensing he sharted himself, this reporter left the area.

Cuomo has called for the Olympic Regional Crossroads Authority to take over management of Belleayre from the State Department of Environmental Conservation.

If the state Legislature supports the plan, the transition is expected to take place at the end if this ski season.

Arkville Water Discovery Center changes focus

Arkville NY; Garry Failles, the master mind behind The Water Discovery Center slated to open in Arkville NY announced this week the center has changed it's mission.
"Rather than push ahead with the mission we first came up with years ago, we decided instead to focus on what it really is, a steaming pile of bullshit" said Failles on tuesday.
For years Failles and his group have concentrated on ways to spend the million dollars in watershed "economic development" money awarded to the region from NYCDEP. Sadly they haven't even been able to update the website since 2008. While Farty Gailles, Garry's wife and 'Administrative manager to the chair' of the museum has had little problem spending cash on lunch meetings, trips to malls for scouting and the like, other members of the board have not met their obligations.
Glum Millerbeerdrunkard resigned from his post as Spandrunken Zoning Officer amid charges of porn watching in the office years ago. He then followed up with a DWI, that severly impacted his spending.
"Half of the economic decline in Shandaken is due to Glum no longer being belly up to the bar" said Mike Rackateera, local bar owner. "He used to spend thousands, now not so much"
"Its true" added Farty " why I was adding up receipts and after getting a lifetime membership to NAMBLA, Glum hasn't handed in any receipts since 2010."

A steaming pile of bullshit has replaced what was to be the Water Discovery Center

When asked about the other board members, both of the Failles admitted most of them jumped ship long ago. The last annual meeting was held in 2008, when they hung a fake sign on an empty Crossroads office next door to the Highmount PO for a night to impress non-local investors.

Since then, Garry says its all bullshit, He doesn't know if the Catskill Waterspread Organization, (which he says is just a front for the NYCDEP that wants to depopulate the area), will give them anymore funds.

"It's just as well, he spends all his time at the Emerskin, keeping that crap afloat" Farty complained.

"It's all bullshit" Garry laughed " I can't believe we are still getting away with spending all the investors money, not paying taxes. Those guys on Wall Street got nothing on us"



Stankley's new found moderaton made possible by the Guvnor

Stoopidvisor Stankley revealed a moderate increase to his budget unlike last years crushing 12% increase. In an interview, he veiled the real increase by stating the costs for flooding have not been tallied, leaving him an opening as wide as the flooding Esopus, when things go very very wrong, like they did in his last budget.

Stankley, not surprisingly, has yet to make good on the one and only campaign promise he made declaring he would enforce the laws of Shandaken, equally. In fact, he now says everyone in town is breaking snippets of the a law.

He also declared that Phoenicia is a flood plain, not worth saving and all commercial enterprises must move to route 28 whether or not it is legally rezoned.

In his last sad attempt to get reelected, Stankley made a desparate bid to seem intelligent by declaring he graduated sumos cum loud. When asked to provide proof, he looked bewildered and declared Beefy Kibe would vouch for him.

In unrelated news,  SHARP is again under investigation for giving flood victims pocket change and then declaring the flood funds depleted.

Stankley lashes out at vicious adultery rumor

SHANDAKEN Republican stoopidvisor Robert A-hole Stankley lashed out Wednesday at vicious allegations that he has been having an adulterous affair with a woman on his recreation board.

"I wanted to hold this press conference to say unambiguously that my girlfriends and I have  faithfully cheated on my wife for 12 years," Stankley said.

Stankley said he believed the story was being disseminated by a rival recreation campaign which he did not name.

"The core idea of this rumor campaign is that I have violated the vows that I made to my wife 18 years ago," Stankley said, "but as everyone knows I have remained with my present girlfriend throughout her pregnancy."

Stankley when on to declare that those were not puppy dog eyes he was making at the chair of the recreation board. Longtime former Chair, Tiny Lice, was heard to be whimpering in the back row.

Bar baby

Stoopidvisor Rob A-hole Stankley headed straight for the bar at the Bellyair bash Friday night. Free beer was obviously the drive that propelled his legs causing his undocumented Brazilian girlfriend to scamper behind. She was overheard pleading with Rob to please not spend the whole night on a bar stool. Where is Grandma when he's out drinking with her grandchild?
Murmurs of concern for the welfare of the infant grew as it was revealed he frequents other bars with baby in tow prompting a lively and surprising informative discussion about fetal alcohol syndrome and the benefits of early child development programs and head start. The discussion quickly dissolved into tea party "get your hands off my kid" diatribes and the child in the bar was forgotten.

Wannabe

Ulster County, NY— Shandaken Town Stoopidvisor, Robert A.-hole Stankley, has endorsed Mike Hein for a second term as Ulster County Executive.  Stoopidvisor Stanley’s endorsement joined a growing list of Town Supervisors.  All of the Democratic Supervisors that have already endorsed Mike Hein for County Executive and this is the third Republican Town Supervisor to jump on the bandwagon.

“As Town of Shandaken Stoopidvisor Stanley’s, I wholeheartedly endorse Mike Hein for re-election as Ulster County Executive,” said Shandaken Town Stoopidvisor Stanley’s Robert A.-hole Stanley.  Mike and his staff have been readily accessible and eager to assist in the inconsequential issues Shandaken has faced over my term, though nada actually gets resolved. Whether the issue involved job losses at the Resort/Spa and economic effects of the cuts that improved Belleayre Mountain, minor sidewalk flooding in Main St., Phoenicia, or other petty issues concerning the NYC DEP, Mike personally has kept himself abreast (teehee) of our issues and is genuinely concerned for the well being and betterment of our residents and businesses, although he has offered nada to remedy anything. He has personally been involved in many of our late night discussions with other agencies in our area and has been supportive of my perspective when push has come to shove on these issues, though nada has come from all this yapping, shoving, and bonding. I am happy to bend over to endorse Mike for a second term and look forward to continuing to foster the relationship he has established with me and I hope by linking my name with his, I'll get re-elected by the clueless Democrats."

I think Republican Stoopidvisor Stanley’s Stanley’s endorsement, is hilarious as I am the only one running and the Democrats rule Ulster County,” said Mike Hein.  “I remain committed to serving all of the residents of Ulster County, even idiots like Stankley.  We live in an incredibly diverse, beautiful and geographically large community and, I am honored to serve as County Executive.”

Boob versus the Baby

Ex-Stoopidvisor Boob Cross announced his candiacy for Stoopidviser and Highway Superman today. He declared he will win either one or the other in a primary in Shandaken. When asked to comment Stoopidvisor Stankley smirked and said he already has all the parties nominations. "Nobody cares about anything except Dean Gutter," he smirked, " Nobody has the balls to run against me." Stankley went on to pronounce that he would be carrying his baby with him throughout the  campaign since it is well known that humans are conditioned to love babies or else they would bash them against the wall if they cried one more time. "All the old people will forget about all the shit I've done and will just remember the cute baby," he chuckled. " It's how I plan on getting rid of the zoning codes." Stankey showed a box full of t-shirts with the baby's picture on them that he plans on handing out as "gifts" to voters. "Boob Cross and I are exactly alike," he chortled, "We both adore the Belly Air project, will force Phoenicia to get the sewer, will zone all of Rte. 28 commercial, are fat alcoholics, except Boob has no baby! Man, I love using my kids. Look how it worked last time."

library?

In an interview using the Phoenicia library tragedy as a photo op, Stoopidvisor Stankley was stumped when asked what was lost in the fire.
"The sign on the building says there is a fishing collection here, so obviously that, er I don't know, I've never set foot in that building. I've actually never been on this side of town, I hang out at the bar down the street. Now, a fire there, that would have been a devastating loss," he mumbled shaking his head.
Stankley appeared to be disoriented either by his unfamiliarity of location or the fact that Phoenicia had a library or the lack of a drink in his hand at the late hour of 9am.
Library card holders have vowed to rebuild, despite the Stoopidvisor's lack of interest.
The board will be holding a meeting to determine what needs to be done, the library board that is.

Ghost Hunters to film in Phoenicia NY

Phoenicia NY February 1, 2010, The widely acclaimed show Ghost Hunterz is scheduled to film in Phoenicia NY this spring. The subject of the episode will be the SHARPY committee on Main St. in the Hamlet.

There is little activity at the committee’s headquarters in Phoenicia NY these days. In recent years all of the low income housing has been sold off. Grants for heating were depleated in the 1990’s redoing kitchens and other cosmetic remedies to make residents feel better. At a recent round table SHARP Board members, Director Snide and residents discussed SHARPs role in the community.

According to Snide “One ladies son died so we gave her new cabinets. And then our current Supervisor, Rob Stankley left his wife for a string of drunken one-nighters so we redid her house. He still owns it with her so if he ever sobers up he can cash in. We hear he has a new anchor baby with an illegal so we were looking for some funds to redo the nursery. Then we found out the apartment is so small the baby sleeps in the bathtub with the goats so we put that on hold. “

On the subject of Ghost Hunting, Snide lamented, “ It was once one of my favorite activities and I am hoping this will jump start my career in that field again. Obviously SHARP is on it’s last legs. A few times I have come into the office and heard voices.’ HEEEEEEET, HEEEEEEEEET’ they seem to be moaning. there is a legend that a woman in Woodland was turned down for a loan after she voted democrat who froze to death, but we have been unable to substantiate that.

“We are very excited for this opportunity” Said Jackoff Jordan in an interview Monday. “The SHARPEY committee is just an apparition as far as agencies that serve the public go, so going with the phantom theory fits right in. At this point in time SHARP barely exists”

“ I agree” stated fellow board member Joanne Klabb “ why Buffy and were just talking the other day how funds disappeared faster than our collective sex appeal last year”

“Yes” Buffy concurred “I can’t remember the last time I had a grant approved or an orgasm for that matter. Well unless you count that time I was grooming the cat. But seriously, I am just rehashing the same old grant we had last year cause we never gave out any money”

“True” stated Phoenica resident Ima Freizen , 77, “Last year I was heating my home with a sterno and newspaper logs and SHARP refused to help me. They said I had to count all that free food I got from Sleez Smith as income so I didn’t qualify. Even after I deducted the stuff that was rotten! This year I stopped taking the food, after all, how many stale pies can you eat? No Jackoff! I won’t ask John Porn that one!! Anyway I have no more unread newspaper supply since the Phoenicia, er, I mean Communist Times went under so maybe I will get some help this year.”

“Ha ha, I doubt that” Buffy replied “we have just enough money in the budget to pay the salary I pretend I earn before we look to sell off our remaining assets”

The RESTORE (Residential Services To Offer Repairs to the Elderly) Program will offer services to income eligible homeowners aged 60 years and older for emergency repairs needed for issues such as, but not limited to: heating, electrical and water system failures, roofing repairs and other situations that require immediate attention. Assistance of up to $5,000.00 per home will be available beginning in February 2011.

BIG INDIAN MAN SUFFERS FROM SEVERE CASE OF EGG ON FACE

SHANDAKEN NY AP-“It began shortly after I received my 2011 tax bill” stated Chick Perrez , resident of the hamlet of Big Indian in Shandaken. “I was aware strange things happened in this place ever since they named it after that wife stealing dude who got murdered. But never anything like this”

This reporter was astonished to see the scrambled egg like substance that was adhered to Perrez’s face like spackle. Told doctors were baffled by the substance, Perrez turned to the media hoping the publicity would reach someone who knew what it was, turned out he only needed to cross the street.

A dozen yards away at Moron’s Market, long time fixture Boob Stankley Sr was all too familiar with such an affliction. “ I came down with a bad case of it myself when I convinced my friends to invest in the Bellyup resort. They gave Gittah and Scarey Gales thousands of their hard earned retirement money, thinking they would double it in two yrs. geez it’s more like 11 and their investment is a memory, never to be seen again. I couldn’t leave the house for weeks! “

At first Perrez ezplained he thought it was just a bad case of drool . “I woke up one morning and there was this slime all over my face. I thought I had a heavy drool night like I often do, and maybe rolled around in it. I washed up, and it kept coming back, like one of those Brazilian religious statues that’s always dripping. Turned out to be egg. "

Reflecting on his recent activities he realized that last November he had gone to the Town of Shandaken  Budget Hearing and thanked Stupidvisor Stankley for his tax increase. “ I didn’t really consider what a douche I was being. Last year I screamed at Disclafunny for a 2 % increase. Told him it should have been a 2% decrease. All those people who invested in the resort are losing their houses!”

“But I admit I did thank Stankley for raising my taxes” Chick lamented “ but it wasn’t so bad like what like 6, 7, 8, or 9 % or something. But geez when the tax bills came and it was almost 12% that’s when it hit me.  Boy oh boy I am a freaking moron! No wonder my wife doesn’t let me out. Who thanks someone as untrustworthy as Stankley for raising their taxes? and its not like those other bozos on the board watch what he is doing. I tried to call Jacoff Jorden but he insist on using his cell phone for all town business so he only answers when he is skiing or en route to Kingston. “

When asked what the prognosis was Chick answered “ Well, at first it was runny like snot, but now its kind of cakey.Luckily it can be chipped away at. Tastes good too if you can get past the hint of motor oil. You know, I am pretty much the most pussy whipped guy in the valley,so I am used to my wife chewing my head off. I am in so much deep shit, she has had no problem letting loose on me and keeping the growth down but she is getting a little fat. Tiny Rice has been a big help too, can't ever satisfy her appitite, but she gets a little too close to the bone if you know what I mean. But I will just lay low, and try and redeem myself, adopt a kitten or one of those little kids on T V that cost fifty cents a day. It should clear up by spring, Boob Stankley said so."

Sham remark may jeopardize permits

Stoopidvisor Stanley had attended the recent hearing on the Department of Environmental Conservation’s plan to cut more than 45 full-time jobs at Bellieayre, making them only seasonal, part-time positions. He told the crowd at the Bellieayre rally that in his opinion it was embarrassing to see Department of Environmental Conservation officials be so ignorant of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices.

“It was a sham,” he said.

Days later Stanley told an almost empty town board meeting that he was tentatively waiting to hear from the DEC about dredging permits that he and the town's highway superintendent  Erich Halfmeister applied for on behalf of Phoenicia.

A DEC spokesman who asked to remain anonymous stated that he and his co-workers needed much more time to review their department’s policies and the effects of those polices, especially in light of Stoopidvisor Stanley's remarks.

When asked how long his team would need, he pointed to a crated, dusty, 10,000 page document of which there is only one copy that 200 people need to read in order to be absolutely sure of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices. " We wouldn't want to be embarrassingly ignorant of our policies or be responsible for a sham," he stated.

The Final solution as outlined by Stupidvisor Stankley

ALLABEN- We know, historically, that there will be another event coming in the next few months. Our residents and business owners cannot continue to operate under the constant threat of flooding to their lives and livelihood.  Along with Engineers, board members toured and discussed possible solutions in the short term and long term. Discussion ensued that engineering was necessary to ensure whatever approach is taken 1)proceeds quickly and 2)must be effective. Again, work of this nature does not come free no matter who is footing the bill. All involved personnel want to ensure that money is not wasted on an ineffective measure.   
We need to solve this issue with as much expediency as is humanly possible, so these high-tech waterproof, windproof and breathable socks have been selected as the final long term plan to the flooding problems by the Shandaken Town Board. The unique fabric used in their manufacture enables moisture to dissipate away from the skin, ensuring feet stay dry, warm and blister-free in the most extreme of conditions. They really do work, and do so equally well on cold days crossing the Esopus, or even flood days on Main Street!
The solution will be available only to those residents who applied for FEMA relief for the past three floods, the rest of you will have to quit whining.

Famous Dowser Finds Source Of Flooding

Following two years of no flooding, area residents turned,
in desperation to a famous dowser for answers.Though some
were surprised by the findings, many shook their heads and
tapped their noses as in 'I knew it'. Contracted by a group of
Phoenicia residents, who say they can not remember being
under water so many times in one year, the dowser brought
to town the the traditional tools used by the trade.
Dowsing dates back to at least the 15th century, but is
thought by some to have much earlier, even prehistoric,
roots. Dowsers hold a rod in front of them and walk
forward until it signals. A forked tree branch will dip,
incline, or twitch; two L-shaped metal rods will cross.
Another method is to hold a pendulum over a map. All
three methods were used in divining the source of
Phoenicia's flooding.
As residents watched in facination, first the pendulum
swirled around and around a Shandaken map until it
suspended in midair at Town Hall. Everyone loaded
into their vehicles and followed the dowser, and as
the dowser step out of his car with the forked tree
branch, it twitched so hard, it flew out of the dowsers
hand, hitting the building. On cautiously entering the
building, now using two L-shaped metal rods, he cried
out in surprise as the rods wrapped themselves around
Supervisor Stankley's head. "I've never, in all my days,
seen my tools act so definitively, it was like they were
possessed," cried the dowser, visibly shaken. The
Phoenicia residents plan on going door to door, in hopes
of finding a solution on how to keep Stankley away from
their town. Rick Ragingfella, raged,"Look what he's done
to Phoenicia, it's a goddamn mess! There are dead fish
in our street!"

BELLEAYRE RESORT NOT DEAD, BUT STILL A DUMB IDEA

By JAYBIRD BRAINLESS Jr.
Corruptpundent

HIGHMOUNT — Crosseyes Ventures, the company proposing the controversial Belleayre Resort at Catskill Park, has announced the project is still controversial.

In a letter dated Monday, the principal hackers of the $400 million scam — Dean Gutter, Ken Posterchild and Emily “Deep Pockets” Funder — stated their desire to kind of refute what they called secret plans for the project’s demise. Gary Failes name was removed fron the clique in an expected attempt to distance him from the project as he is busy playing nice with the locals in Mt. Tremper.

“It has been a while since we coughed up any bullshit on Crosseyes’ progress to the community, and, in the absence of hard news, the inevitable rumors of our abandonment of the project and the Belleayre Resort’s demise have circulated,” they said.

It was February when Gutter, the driving force behind the proposed resort, unveiled a crayola and construction paper rendering of the latest concept for the project, representing the most recent and unlikely last of several transformations made to the plan, which first was announced in 1999. “Our investors are so dumb, we just rehash the same old crap in a different package and they buy it." Gutter chuckled, "Remember in May when we issued our last press release? The police chief took me out to dinner, good times, good times"

The renderings are part of the long-awaited supplemental environmental impact statement that Crosseyes needs to prepare. Gutter and his team have pretended to be working on that document for about 2-1/2 years.

Last week, Gutter and his partners said they need only a few more months to liquidate their assets and get out of town.

“In the coming few months, we expect to reinforce the belief that we plan to move forward in an effort to keep all those disgruntled investors satisfied. They actually believe we will be able, by the middle of next year, to present our plans to the planning boards of both Shandaken and Middletown,” they wrote.

Now, according to Gutter, the size has been reduced again. In fact he said it really doesn’t exist. “Actually this might just work.” he laughed” We plan to use the existing buildings next to Shimmy’s ski shop for our offices and just pretend we own Belleayre. We will then sell off time shares in properties we don’t own. Who’s going to know?"

Basically just sucking up to ‘richer than him’ homeowners in the Hardenburgh area about the project Gutter appears to have gone great lengths to make the structures as camouflaged as possible. Models built and on display in Gutter’s office show a design concept that shapes the hotel into the mountainside with “green roofs” made of vegetation. The houses would be "au naturale" also. When asked if the model was just the same old “Parsley Pancake” model he already introduced, the so-called developer got enraged and screamed some incoherent rambling about Ponzi Schemes and begging bowls. “I am a Visionary, a Luminary” he cried before having the reporter ejected by Little Al.

Town Clerk Awaits Sentencing

SHANDAKEN, NY- Following the long awaited trial, the Shandaken town clerk will await sentencing in an assault case of a town employee.
Asked  why she assaulted her deputy in a least two separate occasions, she replied, "I gave the Town Board my budget which still has two deputies on the payroll plus my salary with increases including the Records Management bonus which really is part of my regular duties. I am bringing my vicious dog to work again and  my daughter Gingersnaps is bringing her puppy to piss and crap on the floors.  So, what do you think? Do I care if my dog bites someone? Do I care if I punched and pushed my deputy? I own this office, I run this town, the Supervisor and Town Board are scared of me. Get outta my face!"
The Town Board has not commented or acted on the case other than to pass a violence in the workplace policy.

Biggest Idiot in recent memory

The constant refrain of the past 8 years of "Can you hear me know" Chuck Peerez and Rob Stankley is strangely quiet since January. No one has voiced the opinion that the Town is probably the owner of the cell tower since Mariner has reneged on the tower contract and most likely out of business. Strangely, no one has voiced any opinion, for that matter, on anything. Yet, Hack Jordon came up with a solution that has the taxpayers providing cell service to the Town Hall. What a guy! With his brain working at full capacity, Jordon suggested, as offered by the cell provider, everyone of us buy relay antenna and boosters to get cell service. All except the town hall which will get it bought by you and me. Jordon called this a step in the right direction. So let's take $250, the cheapest booster, times approximately 1500 homes in the area, and the cell company would rack up $375,000.00 With no guarantee of a strong signal. Hack is right on top of it, isn't he? Communication + Teamwork = Success

A Man Called Mustang_______Sally

Shandaken chapter in the saga loosely based on the story "A Man Called Horse."
In 1998 a commodities trader is captured by a developer. He lives with other investors and begins to understand/accept their lifestyles.
Eventually he is accepted as part of the tribe and becomes their leader. See the grueling ritual of hanging him with hooks by his man boobs to the beating of the big drums when the Big Indian tribe makes him their chief.
Free. Big Indian Park Sat. June 12th.
Fun for the whole family.
Refreshments served following the official naming of Mustang Sally to  Chief of Lost Cause Tribe and the re-dedication of sacred jaundiced totem pole.