Shandaken looks to legalize Junkyards next

GOT JUNK?

A few of the cars waiting for Chucky's attention in Big Indian NY

 March 2, 2012, Shandaken NY- In a not so surprising move the Shandaken Town Board is drafting a law to legalize several junkyards in the town. Stupidvisor Stankley noted that although the new law would allow junkyards in every part of town, he specifically is targeting The Biiiiiig Indian area and the hill behind the diner.
"Chucky Perrriz has always been a great supporter of mine" Stankley recalled lovingly, "why he was the only one who came and thanked me after my 12% tax hike"
Chucky's station on Rte 28 no longer sells gas, he fixes a car here and there but the real money is in towing, he laughed.
" I love to tow cars, and it gets me away from the ol'ball and chain" Chucky bemused " but really I do kinda suck at fixing them, but when anyone asks I AM working on all of these, ALL 30-50 of them"
Shandaken has a long tradition of ignoring laws broken by people the administration likes, owes money to or happens to be related to. Take the legalization of Piggleys Farm Stand on Rte 28. Proving that you don't actually have to have a farm to have a farmstand, led Chucky to beg, er, ask Rob to make him legit also.
"Well, I fix more cars than Al grows tomatoes, so thats gooder, but how well I fix them or how much I over charge is not relavant." Chucky said "Why just go to Phoeny Town and ask that pancake flipper how much I charged to get her motor running, She'll tell you how cheap I am. Inexpensive too."
" It's not just Chucky I am beholden too" Rob Jr. added " Poor Sammy didn't get to have a cell tower behind his junkyard, well because his junkyard was illegal and people didn't want cell towers. I am just trying to be nice"  

A couple more over by the creek that are waiting for the parts to come in

When asked about the new tough zoning officer in town, Rob Jr. laughed. "We own him"
He went on to describe the "inventory" Bitchy Smokes was able to amass while he "worked" for Bluffy at NotSharp. Grants and old people are quite the lucrative combo.
" He can send himself a violation, look at his yard. And besides Shandaken Zoning Officers never act without a formal complaint from a citizen, Why should they have people mad at them? With a formal complaint you get to pass the buck."
"Once, when I was allowed out, Ok,  my wife was out of town so I went out," Chucky confessed" I went to the bar and found Rob. I heard a rumor neighbors were going to complain, They said my mess was keeping them from selling their property. So I told Rob, Bitchy has two junk cars on his lawn, what ya going to do now pretty boy. Make me legal"
Rob agreed,  then they did body shots till the wee hours of the morning.
A hearing will be scheduled at a future inconvienant date.

and a few more

Ghost Hunters to film in Phoenicia NY

Phoenicia NY February 1, 2010, The widely acclaimed show Ghost Hunterz is scheduled to film in Phoenicia NY this spring. The subject of the episode will be the SHARPY committee on Main St. in the Hamlet.

There is little activity at the committee’s headquarters in Phoenicia NY these days. In recent years all of the low income housing has been sold off. Grants for heating were depleated in the 1990’s redoing kitchens and other cosmetic remedies to make residents feel better. At a recent round table SHARP Board members, Director Snide and residents discussed SHARPs role in the community.

According to Snide “One ladies son died so we gave her new cabinets. And then our current Supervisor, Rob Stankley left his wife for a string of drunken one-nighters so we redid her house. He still owns it with her so if he ever sobers up he can cash in. We hear he has a new anchor baby with an illegal so we were looking for some funds to redo the nursery. Then we found out the apartment is so small the baby sleeps in the bathtub with the goats so we put that on hold. “

On the subject of Ghost Hunting, Snide lamented, “ It was once one of my favorite activities and I am hoping this will jump start my career in that field again. Obviously SHARP is on it’s last legs. A few times I have come into the office and heard voices.’ HEEEEEEET, HEEEEEEEEET’ they seem to be moaning. there is a legend that a woman in Woodland was turned down for a loan after she voted democrat who froze to death, but we have been unable to substantiate that.

“We are very excited for this opportunity” Said Jackoff Jordan in an interview Monday. “The SHARPEY committee is just an apparition as far as agencies that serve the public go, so going with the phantom theory fits right in. At this point in time SHARP barely exists”

“ I agree” stated fellow board member Joanne Klabb “ why Buffy and were just talking the other day how funds disappeared faster than our collective sex appeal last year”

“Yes” Buffy concurred “I can’t remember the last time I had a grant approved or an orgasm for that matter. Well unless you count that time I was grooming the cat. But seriously, I am just rehashing the same old grant we had last year cause we never gave out any money”

“True” stated Phoenica resident Ima Freizen , 77, “Last year I was heating my home with a sterno and newspaper logs and SHARP refused to help me. They said I had to count all that free food I got from Sleez Smith as income so I didn’t qualify. Even after I deducted the stuff that was rotten! This year I stopped taking the food, after all, how many stale pies can you eat? No Jackoff! I won’t ask John Porn that one!! Anyway I have no more unread newspaper supply since the Phoenicia, er, I mean Communist Times went under so maybe I will get some help this year.”

“Ha ha, I doubt that” Buffy replied “we have just enough money in the budget to pay the salary I pretend I earn before we look to sell off our remaining assets”

The RESTORE (Residential Services To Offer Repairs to the Elderly) Program will offer services to income eligible homeowners aged 60 years and older for emergency repairs needed for issues such as, but not limited to: heating, electrical and water system failures, roofing repairs and other situations that require immediate attention. Assistance of up to $5,000.00 per home will be available beginning in February 2011.

Town Clerk Awaits Sentencing

SHANDAKEN, NY- Following the long awaited trial, the Shandaken town clerk will await sentencing in an assault case of a town employee.
Asked  why she assaulted her deputy in a least two separate occasions, she replied, "I gave the Town Board my budget which still has two deputies on the payroll plus my salary with increases including the Records Management bonus which really is part of my regular duties. I am bringing my vicious dog to work again and  my daughter Gingersnaps is bringing her puppy to piss and crap on the floors.  So, what do you think? Do I care if my dog bites someone? Do I care if I punched and pushed my deputy? I own this office, I run this town, the Supervisor and Town Board are scared of me. Get outta my face!"
The Town Board has not commented or acted on the case other than to pass a violence in the workplace policy.

Three Thousand Shandakites Suddenly Realize Shandaken A Horrible Place To Live 'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

SHANDAKEN—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of the Town of Shandaken decided to evacuate the famed vacation land, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, tree-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,"  all three thousand citizens in each of the eleven hamlets packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of fresh air and open space.

By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of Route 28, and the area's three major side roads were flooded with Shandakites, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 70 percent undeveloped land wasn't constantly suffocating them.

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Big Indian Chuckles Peerez, who, after watching two bald eagles gnawing on a  bloody small dog carcass, finally determined that Shandaken was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, screw that. I don't need to work three jobs to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being with cell service."

 "You see this?" added Rick Raggingfella, pointing at a real estate listing for a house in Phoenicia. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a fucking den—and a patio. One hundred fifty thousand. That's total."

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday Shandaken events. For Lorry Frasier of Phoenicia, an endlessly barking dog sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the dog as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Peet Demonica of Pine Hill it was being cursed at for wearing sandals year round; and for George Nearly, of Shandaken, it was his overreaction to a little red car driving too slowly.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of  flower barrels on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among hundreds of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; the constant bickering over who should pay for the sewer; the plethora of flags on the telephone poles and grave sites; sunburned tubers leaving actual crap in the Esopus; muddy, leaf-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person like Al Piggley and Al Freelanda whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn trees.

In addition, three thousand Shandakites reportedly left the town because they realized the phrase "No law west of Olive" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a bear take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.

"I was sitting on my porch, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Phoenicia resident Eric Manson, 67, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."

"This place sucks," Mount Tremper resident Boob Cross, 64, told reporters. "It just sucks."

When fleeing residents were asked if they would miss the town's iconic landmarks, most responded that Giant ledge is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing nature, that the Woodland Valley Bridge is great but it's just a  bridge, that what's the point of the Phoenicia Eagle anyway, and that living in a wholesome, clean area isn't worth having with NO RESORT.

"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 42-year-old Rob Stankley, a lifelong Shandakite. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"

"Plus, it's not likely that I'll be able to get another $30,000 grant from Buffy over at SHARP for a new kitchen in my house," he added. "So that sucks. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds."

By Tuesday night, Shandaken was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some six thousand Woodstock residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of distinct reason, and yearning for a town with no cell service, had already begun repopulating Shandaken.

Town Clerk proposes separate but equal law

SHANDAKEN The new law proposes services, facilities and public accommodations to be separated by political party, on the condition that the quality of each group's public facilities are to remain equal. "We all know that Democrats are not the same as us," declared Lorry Frasier, the Shandaken Town Clerk since 1934. She went on to explain the town hall bathrooms would be converted. "I will not share a bathroom with those people, I could get a disease," she said. The law would require all businesses and public places to post which party is welcome. The public hearing on this law will be June 8th following the Pine Hill extension bullying.

I love the smell of brimstone in the morning

Dig all you want. I will be here forever.

ABOVE IT ALL, A GUEST COMMENTARY

.

JOANNE AND ALL PLANNING BOARD MEMBERS AS WELL AS OTHER BOARDS,
ARE EQUAL TO OR ABOVE THE ELECTED OFFICIAL, BECAUSE THEY ARE VOLUNTEERS AND OFFICERS OF THE TOWN. THEY DON'T DO IT FOR THE MONEY. THEY ARE SPECIAL. THEY PLAN, THEY ARE CHOSEN.

Perma-rage

Clerk Lauralynn is in a snit again. Obviously this, her latest, is directed, once again, at a specific target. First posted on the website, then spoken inarticulately or with as they say, forked tongue, at the board meeting and then put in the paper at taxpayer expense, Frasier is accusing you, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, of harboring a snake or as she likes to call it, an unlicensed wild animal.
She KNOWS there are snakes in Shandaken.
Maliciously slithering out an alternative motive she hissed,"You know I always get what I want and if you cross me, I'll make you pay!"

WHO are these snakes?