SHANDAKEN—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of the Town of Shandaken decided to evacuate the famed vacation land, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, tree-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," all three thousand citizens in each of the eleven hamlets packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of fresh air and open space.
By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of Route 28, and the area's three major side roads were flooded with Shandakites, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 70 percent undeveloped land wasn't constantly suffocating them.
"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Big Indian Chuckles Peerez, who, after watching two bald eagles gnawing on a bloody small dog carcass, finally determined that Shandaken was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, screw that. I don't need to work three jobs to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being with cell service."
"You see this?" added Rick Raggingfella, pointing at a real estate listing for a house in Phoenicia. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a fucking den—and a patio. One hundred fifty thousand. That's total."
According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday Shandaken events. For Lorry Frasier of Phoenicia, an endlessly barking dog sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the dog as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Peet Demonica of Pine Hill it was being cursed at for wearing sandals year round; and for George Nearly, of Shandaken, it was his overreaction to a little red car driving too slowly.
Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of flower barrels on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among hundreds of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; the constant bickering over who should pay for the sewer; the plethora of flags on the telephone poles and grave sites; sunburned tubers leaving actual crap in the Esopus; muddy, leaf-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person like Al Piggley and Al Freelanda whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn trees.
In addition, three thousand Shandakites reportedly left the town because they realized the phrase "No law west of Olive" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a bear take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.
"I was sitting on my porch, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Phoenicia resident Eric Manson, 67, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."
"This place sucks," Mount Tremper resident Boob Cross, 64, told reporters. "It just sucks."
When fleeing residents were asked if they would miss the town's iconic landmarks, most responded that Giant ledge is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing nature, that the Woodland Valley Bridge is great but it's just a bridge, that what's the point of the Phoenicia Eagle anyway, and that living in a wholesome, clean area isn't worth having with NO RESORT.
"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 42-year-old Rob Stankley, a lifelong Shandakite. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"
"Plus, it's not likely that I'll be able to get another $30,000 grant from Buffy over at SHARP for a new kitchen in my house," he added. "So that sucks. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds."
By Tuesday night, Shandaken was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some six thousand Woodstock residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of distinct reason, and yearning for a town with no cell service, had already begun repopulating Shandaken.
