Stankley lashes out at vicious adultery rumor

SHANDAKEN Republican stoopidvisor Robert A-hole Stankley lashed out Wednesday at vicious allegations that he has been having an adulterous affair with a woman on his recreation board.

"I wanted to hold this press conference to say unambiguously that my girlfriends and I have  faithfully cheated on my wife for 12 years," Stankley said.

Stankley said he believed the story was being disseminated by a rival recreation campaign which he did not name.

"The core idea of this rumor campaign is that I have violated the vows that I made to my wife 18 years ago," Stankley said, "but as everyone knows I have remained with my present girlfriend throughout her pregnancy."

Stankley when on to declare that those were not puppy dog eyes he was making at the chair of the recreation board. Longtime former Chair, Tiny Lice, was heard to be whimpering in the back row.

This Just In...

A woman who works at a local resort has sited John Porn visiting cheerleader camps. His last known camp was in Gilboa. Please be advised.

School informs families of suspicious character

SHANDAKEN — The superintendent of the school district took aggressive action last week to warn parents about a a child safety issue.

On Sept. 24, parents and guardians received an automated telephone message from the school district:

“The intent of this message is to make you more vigilant at your child’s bus stop today and in the future. It has been reported that a tan van  with significant rust approached several bus stops this morning to the point that children felt very uncomfortable in the Phoenicia-Chichester area. No other incidents occurred, but administration wanted to inform you of this event. The driver was a white male with white hair who was leering. The  School District has notified the local authorities of this event. Again, this message is to bring more attention to your child’s bus stop before and after school.”

Georgie Porgie ran away

The Daily Freeman has a service to report issues in town.

Looking at Phoenicia, what do we find? A dangerous pullout, a missing sign and a speeding car. Checking out each of them we see the Shandaken Police are watching.
http://www.seeclickfix.com/watch_area/8371 Hmm... interesting. 16 fix it and 29  complaints on the dangerous pull out and one for the speeding car. What issue does Officer Porgie promise to look into? Ha! Wrong! The one speeding car..... where? you ask breathlessly.... Broadstreet hollow in ???????? What? CHICHESTER!!!!! HAHAHA Porgie wants to put more patrols in Broadstreet hollow, Chichester. Sounds like he got punked by John Porn. Geez John, wonder who could that be you fingered? No! Not little kids.... Geez! John! THAT is a different issue. Make us PUKE.You said it was a  white haired man who drives a little red car. Really, John? Really. Hey Georgie Porgie! Do you live in Chichester?

Hacks Diet

Wanting to loose wieght for the upcoming sport season Hack Jorden decided to shop around for diets.

 John Porn suggested to him to a diet he had been using that was available on the web for a small monthly fee. "It's great" claimed Hack "They provide you with visual aides that along with specific arm movements are sure to rid the body of excess fluid buildup"

"Yes" John Porn chimed in " we have an entire network of users that have been employing this system for years, and we have a variety of stimulant packages for all tastes. You can include your partner or go it alone, your choice" Noting that he lives a solitary existence, John Porn went on to say that the system has not only made him feel relaxed but given him the tools he needs to forget just how repulsed the opposite sex is by him. "When you go through life with the social and moral obstacle I have, it's important to find a support group that shares your interest and hobbies. I feel like I have a new family and I am happy to share it with Hack"

When asked about a report on the web that this particular diet, while successful at ridding the body of excess fluid buildup as promised has also led to protein deficiencies and thick wrist syndrome, Hack scoffed.

"I have met many of Mr. Porn's associates and I can tell you they have no such problems. They are a great bunch of guys who look fine and are willing to share. All I can say is I tried the diet and I am hooked!"

Jordan Forms Sex Commission

Today Councilman Jordan formed the Shandaken Commission on Sex Policy to review existing policies and laws, recommend changes, and identify best practices from around the town. The group is to focus first on an adult entertainment law. Policy recommendations are to be provided to the town board.

The commission is comprised of two individuals who are not current decision-makers within town government so that the issues receive an arms-length review. The third is on the Planning Board. The individuals were chosen because of their expert knowledge on specialized sexual proclivities. Officials from within town government will, however, be invited to provide their input.