Arkville Water Discovery Center changes focus

Arkville NY; Garry Failles, the master mind behind The Water Discovery Center slated to open in Arkville NY announced this week the center has changed it's mission.
"Rather than push ahead with the mission we first came up with years ago, we decided instead to focus on what it really is, a steaming pile of bullshit" said Failles on tuesday.
For years Failles and his group have concentrated on ways to spend the million dollars in watershed "economic development" money awarded to the region from NYCDEP. Sadly they haven't even been able to update the website since 2008. While Farty Gailles, Garry's wife and 'Administrative manager to the chair' of the museum has had little problem spending cash on lunch meetings, trips to malls for scouting and the like, other members of the board have not met their obligations.
Glum Millerbeerdrunkard resigned from his post as Spandrunken Zoning Officer amid charges of porn watching in the office years ago. He then followed up with a DWI, that severly impacted his spending.
"Half of the economic decline in Shandaken is due to Glum no longer being belly up to the bar" said Mike Rackateera, local bar owner. "He used to spend thousands, now not so much"
"Its true" added Farty " why I was adding up receipts and after getting a lifetime membership to NAMBLA, Glum hasn't handed in any receipts since 2010."

A steaming pile of bullshit has replaced what was to be the Water Discovery Center

When asked about the other board members, both of the Failles admitted most of them jumped ship long ago. The last annual meeting was held in 2008, when they hung a fake sign on an empty Crossroads office next door to the Highmount PO for a night to impress non-local investors.

Since then, Garry says its all bullshit, He doesn't know if the Catskill Waterspread Organization, (which he says is just a front for the NYCDEP that wants to depopulate the area), will give them anymore funds.

"It's just as well, he spends all his time at the Emerskin, keeping that crap afloat" Farty complained.

"It's all bullshit" Garry laughed " I can't believe we are still getting away with spending all the investors money, not paying taxes. Those guys on Wall Street got nothing on us"



Stankley's new found moderaton made possible by the Guvnor

Stoopidvisor Stankley revealed a moderate increase to his budget unlike last years crushing 12% increase. In an interview, he veiled the real increase by stating the costs for flooding have not been tallied, leaving him an opening as wide as the flooding Esopus, when things go very very wrong, like they did in his last budget.

Stankley, not surprisingly, has yet to make good on the one and only campaign promise he made declaring he would enforce the laws of Shandaken, equally. In fact, he now says everyone in town is breaking snippets of the a law.

He also declared that Phoenicia is a flood plain, not worth saving and all commercial enterprises must move to route 28 whether or not it is legally rezoned.

In his last sad attempt to get reelected, Stankley made a desparate bid to seem intelligent by declaring he graduated sumos cum loud. When asked to provide proof, he looked bewildered and declared Beefy Kibe would vouch for him.

In unrelated news,  SHARP is again under investigation for giving flood victims pocket change and then declaring the flood funds depleted.

Stankley lashes out at vicious adultery rumor

SHANDAKEN Republican stoopidvisor Robert A-hole Stankley lashed out Wednesday at vicious allegations that he has been having an adulterous affair with a woman on his recreation board.

"I wanted to hold this press conference to say unambiguously that my girlfriends and I have  faithfully cheated on my wife for 12 years," Stankley said.

Stankley said he believed the story was being disseminated by a rival recreation campaign which he did not name.

"The core idea of this rumor campaign is that I have violated the vows that I made to my wife 18 years ago," Stankley said, "but as everyone knows I have remained with my present girlfriend throughout her pregnancy."

Stankley when on to declare that those were not puppy dog eyes he was making at the chair of the recreation board. Longtime former Chair, Tiny Lice, was heard to be whimpering in the back row.

Bar baby

Stoopidvisor Rob A-hole Stankley headed straight for the bar at the Bellyair bash Friday night. Free beer was obviously the drive that propelled his legs causing his undocumented Brazilian girlfriend to scamper behind. She was overheard pleading with Rob to please not spend the whole night on a bar stool. Where is Grandma when he's out drinking with her grandchild?
Murmurs of concern for the welfare of the infant grew as it was revealed he frequents other bars with baby in tow prompting a lively and surprising informative discussion about fetal alcohol syndrome and the benefits of early child development programs and head start. The discussion quickly dissolved into tea party "get your hands off my kid" diatribes and the child in the bar was forgotten.

Shandaken Stoopidvisor bought the farm

Allaben, NY. The Shandaken Stoopidvisor announced the recreation program field trip at the July meeting as "getting in touch with our inner farmstand".

The trip was free, as is all the recreation field trips and the recreation summer programs which mainly consist of letting kids get sun burned at Bellyair beach or the winter program of skiing, in what Stankley touts as super special, though all the surrounding towns are offered the same deal from the ski area. Free, as in, your taxes paid for that.

Missy Weaken, 54, Pine Hill, declared the parents were standing in the parking lot since the crack of dawn which she thought was odd since she saw the Stankley stumbling home at 4am pushing an infant in a stroller after coming out of a main street bar. "As I recall, parents had to wait for hours for Stankley to get his ass on the bus last year. I can't believe they let him do it to them again," she chuckled.

Off the record, the bus driver said the chirren are made to wait hours and have missed the boat,  the actual Circleline boat, since Stankley got involved with the recreation committee field trips.

"It used to be first come, first serve until Rob took control and started saving seats for his family and their friends. One year after the "entitled" got on board, there were only two seats left," claimed Jane Rozzbitch,102, Shandaken," luckily my great grandchild was BFF with Rob's son's BF, who got a seat for bringing candy."

Parents were grumbling by the time Stankley arrived looking like he slept in the gutter.

"We yanked our kids out of bed in the dark to do this trip. Some parents flashed the bus driver some green to start rolling without him," snorted Jim Baggins, 40, Phoenicia.

I have never met Rob," Carole Naiveity, 32, of Bushnellsville stated, "What I saw was frightening and he smelled like the bottom of an old shoe."

When Stankley finally climbed on board, he promised the children they would see the most wondrous farm owned by his favorite local business man. He then asked everyone to sing "Old man Piggley has a farm, e, i, e, i, ooooo" which put everyone in a temporary better mood.

The bus traveled down Route 28,over the Rhinebeck bridge and that is when the confusion began.

"I never was tole where we was goin',"declared the bus driver," I was tole the Stoopidvisor was the man in charge and he would tell me where to go."

The bus apparently went all around Red Hook, doubling back several times and then traveled to the Taconic reaching almost to Westchester before turning around.

"Whenever a road appeared, Rob tole me to take it. This must be were the farm is, he'd say, take that road!," he explained. "It prally woodn't have gotten so bad if he wooda stopped singin that damn song."

As part of the field trips perks the children and parents were promised a farm fresh lunch as part Piggley"s commitment to the farm to school initiative.

"You know it was getting dark and Rob would not admit he was wrong or had been duped, he just kept saying, 'He told me he had a farm' between bouts of singing that damn song," said Sally Wright, 24, Woodland Valley."He was deranged."

The parents and children were exhausted and hungry from traveling in circles all day long with no food or beverages on board.

"I've known Rob for ages, he lies. There! I've said it," remarked June LaSnarka, 98, Big Indian.

"What was astonishing was he could not believe someone lied to him, when I've never told him the truth", smirked Nancy Smites, 98, Pine Hill.

When the bus arrived back in Shandaken around midnight, the parents were tight lipped and said what happened on the bus stays on the bus .

The only person willing to comment was the bus driver, "The little tykes would have been happy to see a rusted out tractor. It's a shame what happened to Rob when he wanted to stop at Piggley's all night store in Mount Tremper.", he muttered shaking his head. "The guy is clueless."

Wannabe

Ulster County, NY— Shandaken Town Stoopidvisor, Robert A.-hole Stankley, has endorsed Mike Hein for a second term as Ulster County Executive.  Stoopidvisor Stanley’s endorsement joined a growing list of Town Supervisors.  All of the Democratic Supervisors that have already endorsed Mike Hein for County Executive and this is the third Republican Town Supervisor to jump on the bandwagon.

“As Town of Shandaken Stoopidvisor Stanley’s, I wholeheartedly endorse Mike Hein for re-election as Ulster County Executive,” said Shandaken Town Stoopidvisor Stanley’s Robert A.-hole Stanley.  Mike and his staff have been readily accessible and eager to assist in the inconsequential issues Shandaken has faced over my term, though nada actually gets resolved. Whether the issue involved job losses at the Resort/Spa and economic effects of the cuts that improved Belleayre Mountain, minor sidewalk flooding in Main St., Phoenicia, or other petty issues concerning the NYC DEP, Mike personally has kept himself abreast (teehee) of our issues and is genuinely concerned for the well being and betterment of our residents and businesses, although he has offered nada to remedy anything. He has personally been involved in many of our late night discussions with other agencies in our area and has been supportive of my perspective when push has come to shove on these issues, though nada has come from all this yapping, shoving, and bonding. I am happy to bend over to endorse Mike for a second term and look forward to continuing to foster the relationship he has established with me and I hope by linking my name with his, I'll get re-elected by the clueless Democrats."

I think Republican Stoopidvisor Stanley’s Stanley’s endorsement, is hilarious as I am the only one running and the Democrats rule Ulster County,” said Mike Hein.  “I remain committed to serving all of the residents of Ulster County, even idiots like Stankley.  We live in an incredibly diverse, beautiful and geographically large community and, I am honored to serve as County Executive.”

This is not satire.

Daniel, carrying the town's comprehensive plan document, was present to represent Alfred Higley at an "informational meeting" on re-zoning Route 28 from residential to commercial, held by the Town Board. Dan abruptly left in the middle of the meeting after apparently discerning the truth and wishing to distance himself from fools. The look on Higley and his other legal representation Pat Ellison was of incredulous disbelief. Priceless.
Super Lawyer Daniel G. Heppner