Town Hall Infested With Bedbugs After Stankley Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

SHANDAKEN—The Town Hall suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Stankley reportedly "scored" a discarded recliner chair for his office that "someone was just throwing out" on the corner of Rt. 42 and 28 "It's plenty comfy, and I'll tell ya, they don't make 'em with levers like this anymore," said Stankley, scratching at a series of red welts on his arms as he pointed out the pocket on the side that could hold both a remote control and a Coors tallboy. "It reclines all the way back. All the way. And you wanna know what else? It holds two people, if you know what I mean. It'll be perfect for resting my eyes when I'm a work, if you know what I mean."  Meanwhile, New Paltz officials reported that their town has been plagued by an outbreak of bedbugs since a visit from Stankley to the strip club Bleu Moon.

Piggley Farmstand surpasses Belleayre as THE MOST SUCCESSFUL

At the November planning board meeting, Councilman JackASs Jordon declared the Piggley Farmstand the most successful business in town according to the sales tax receipts. When reminded that food is not taxable he declared, "They sell other stuff!" The board appears to be willing to do anything to make the illegal stand legal. "We'll turn 28 commercial!," they rallied. Reminded that the town does not have an adult entertainment law and could pave the way for strip clubs the Supervisor replied that finally the money he spends at New Paltz strip club will remain in town and since his girlfriend is gettin' fat, wink, wink, he'll need a daily diversion soon." It is part of my economic development plan put forth through my recreation committee," he leered.

Stankley reveals resolutions useless

SHANDAKEN- When asked why the town was not honoring a resolution banning dogs from town hall, Stankley replied that the resolution was not a law but a memorializing resolution.  Stankley further admitted that all resolutions are memorializing and in fact merely busy work to show that the town board is doing something. According to Stankley, no one really needs to pay heed to any resolutions including his own periodic resolutions supporting the Resort and the Waterboarding museum or the Town clerk's resolution begging the county not to eliminate her position or the Halloween curfews. He expounded that resolutions are basically for special interest groups pushing their agenda and should be printed on tissue paper and  then flushed. When JackASS Jordon asked for clarification, Stankley sniped," I've explained this to you before, so this time I'm going to speak to you slowly."

Peerez commends town board for tax hike

 SHANDAKEN- Chuckles Peerez, 57, applauded the town board for raising his taxes at the November board meeting, leaving area residents puzzled. "Last year I was irate that Supervisor Disclafunny raised my taxes 2 per cent." he said," I was one of the ugly harpies, including JackAss Jordon, who yelled at him that the tax cut wasn't good enuf. Even when I got my bill and it was negative 2 per cent it still wasn't good enuf! Supervisor Stanley's increase of 9% is great by me, though as long as employees did not get a raise." Area residents were found wondering if Peerez had finally lost one too many brain cells from breathing in gas fumes but Peerez moved quick to squash the theory. "Rob is gonna get the resort through. As an investor, that is numero ono on my plate", he added. Area residents were vindicated in knowing their theory was correct since the resort shows no signs of being built with no means to reward or compensate its long suffering investors. Gas fume inhalations cause delirium, nervous twitches, cognitive deficits, and hallucinations.

TINY RICE THROWN UNDER THE BUS

PHOENICIA- Supervisor Stankley, in an effort to desperately hide the fact he grossly overspent tax payer's money, stopped giving a $5 stipend toward an already reduced ski lift ticket. In addition, he fired  long time seasonal employee Tiny Rice, who dragged herself to Belleayre to sit on her ass on weekends to give the stipend to skiers for a salary of $1400. Asked whether the DEC ticket workers could do the job, Stankley mumbled that Oneteora just got the same deal from Belleayre when in fact any group from any where would receive the same discount. Asked why taxpayers were forced to give more money toward the lift ticket he mumbled unintelligibly. Ten thousand dollars of tax money was saved in the recreation budget when the town moved swimming to Belleayre beach rather than busing kids to Minekill, yet the money remains in the recreation budget at Stankley's insistence rather than reducing taxes. The money is used for pizza parties and bus trips to the City as part of the town's recreation program run by Supervisor Stankley. The ski program was a favorite of Stankley's as a pet project to make Shandaken THE WORLD'S CAPITAL OF RECREATION and to assuage his employer at the ski area.

BELLEAYRE RESORT NOT DEAD, BUT STILL A DUMB IDEA

By JAYBIRD BRAINLESS Jr.
Corruptpundent

HIGHMOUNT — Crosseyes Ventures, the company proposing the controversial Belleayre Resort at Catskill Park, has announced the project is still controversial.

In a letter dated Monday, the principal hackers of the $400 million scam — Dean Gutter, Ken Posterchild and Emily “Deep Pockets” Funder — stated their desire to kind of refute what they called secret plans for the project’s demise. Gary Failes name was removed fron the clique in an expected attempt to distance him from the project as he is busy playing nice with the locals in Mt. Tremper.

“It has been a while since we coughed up any bullshit on Crosseyes’ progress to the community, and, in the absence of hard news, the inevitable rumors of our abandonment of the project and the Belleayre Resort’s demise have circulated,” they said.

It was February when Gutter, the driving force behind the proposed resort, unveiled a crayola and construction paper rendering of the latest concept for the project, representing the most recent and unlikely last of several transformations made to the plan, which first was announced in 1999. “Our investors are so dumb, we just rehash the same old crap in a different package and they buy it." Gutter chuckled, "Remember in May when we issued our last press release? The police chief took me out to dinner, good times, good times"

The renderings are part of the long-awaited supplemental environmental impact statement that Crosseyes needs to prepare. Gutter and his team have pretended to be working on that document for about 2-1/2 years.

Last week, Gutter and his partners said they need only a few more months to liquidate their assets and get out of town.

“In the coming few months, we expect to reinforce the belief that we plan to move forward in an effort to keep all those disgruntled investors satisfied. They actually believe we will be able, by the middle of next year, to present our plans to the planning boards of both Shandaken and Middletown,” they wrote.

Now, according to Gutter, the size has been reduced again. In fact he said it really doesn’t exist. “Actually this might just work.” he laughed” We plan to use the existing buildings next to Shimmy’s ski shop for our offices and just pretend we own Belleayre. We will then sell off time shares in properties we don’t own. Who’s going to know?"

Basically just sucking up to ‘richer than him’ homeowners in the Hardenburgh area about the project Gutter appears to have gone great lengths to make the structures as camouflaged as possible. Models built and on display in Gutter’s office show a design concept that shapes the hotel into the mountainside with “green roofs” made of vegetation. The houses would be "au naturale" also. When asked if the model was just the same old “Parsley Pancake” model he already introduced, the so-called developer got enraged and screamed some incoherent rambling about Ponzi Schemes and begging bowls. “I am a Visionary, a Luminary” he cried before having the reporter ejected by Little Al.

Area Woman Irate Newspaper Folds

BIG INDIAN- Jo Jo Klabb spewed her final vitriolic acid tongued missive in the last issue of the Phaux Times, final for the Phaux Times that is. Known for her antics like the full page hate rages against mild mannered democrats in election years, the public hearing performances that promoted her husband's employers, and whining how hard she has to work since losing all their investment money in the project, Klabb has readily been the front man for special interests in Shandaken. Klabb refused to explain herself to this reporter instead screaming that she would continue to send her opinion to the editor, Brain Power, of the defunct paper whether he wanted them or not. Klabb a champion poison author takes a smidgen of the truth and mixes it with lies until it breathes a life of it's own, though it has long been suspected the letters were written by an elderly equally deranged woman from Shandaken. As Klabb turned, her footprints left burning steam in the grass.