This is not satire.

Daniel, carrying the town's comprehensive plan document, was present to represent Alfred Higley at an "informational meeting" on re-zoning Route 28 from residential to commercial, held by the Town Board. Dan abruptly left in the middle of the meeting after apparently discerning the truth and wishing to distance himself from fools. The look on Higley and his other legal representation Pat Ellison was of incredulous disbelief. Priceless.
Super Lawyer Daniel G. Heppner

This Just In...

A woman who works at a local resort has sited John Porn visiting cheerleader camps. His last known camp was in Gilboa. Please be advised.

Plans On Hold

In a phone interview, Phat Elison spoke with a heavy heart," I tried to to get people to see that we needed route 28 to be commercially zoned but they could not see what is best for them." Elison went on to say she had found an investor for her new enterprise and she could not beleive she had to look for a new location. Having had her heart set on the entrance to the town, she wasn't sure if her business would be viable elsewhere in town. "I had a name picked out and everything. I even promised my biggest supporter the first dance," she sniffed. Elison, because of the economic downturn joined Joanna Klabb as a dancer in the Blue Moon to make ends meet. "I was mortified the first time out  but then the attention I got was riveting and I was hooked," she bragged. Elison said that for now her plans of opening a club are on hold. Elison is the former chairman of the Adult Recreation committee who was charged by the town with writing a law concerning strip clubs.

Stankley and Jordon to be arrested

ALLABEN- The Associated Mess

The Shandaken Stoopidvisor, Rob Stankley, 49, will be arrested and charged with corruption in trading political favors for over $30,000 of gifts from a real estate developer seeking zoning changes and for taking $12,000 in campaign contributions.

Ulster County prosecutors will charge  Stankley with three counts of unlawful compensation, four counts of official misconduct, and one count each of grand theft, petty theft, conspiracy to commit unlawful compensation, and perjury.

The charges center on Stankley's involvement in the rezoning attempt of land owned by controversial developer Scary Gailles and hiding it in the guise of rezoning route 28 for farmstands. At this time, Gailles is seeking a zoning change on land that will enable him to build large luxury-style homes and a spa hotel with golf course.

While Stankey serves on the town board that is responsible for granting the approvals, prosecutors say that Gaille's business partner, Dean Gutter, ordered subcontractors to make improvements at the Shandaken home shared by Stankley and his wife.

Gailles, 64, a former manager of exotic bar business, The Boy Store, was also be arrested and charged with one count of perjury.

Authorities say that subcontractors will install a new toilet, a surround sound system, special pool lighting, fencing, pavers and do air conditioning repair work. The improvements will be done after Stankley votes to grant Gailles the zoning changes on Route 28 and subsequent other areas.

Prosecutors said that when investigators asked about the work to be done at his home, he lied about it and denied being married.

Al Piggley, Gailles other corruption, said he will fight the charges. “Any work that is done is a personal favor between friends and there was absolutely no quid pro quo. Any favors that are done for him by his friends are not given in exchange for an official act.”

Stankley, a registered Republican, is on the town council for six years until the end of his term in 2011. While on the the board, critics said that he used his elected position to solicit a $34,000 grant for his home from SHARP, which is also under investigation.

In addition to Stankley, to be arrested and charged are Councilman Jerkoff Jordon, for corruption in trading political favors for $10,000 of gifts from a real estate developer seeking zoning changes and for accepting $12,000 in campaign contributions.

Both Stankley and Jordon promised to enforce the town laws equally while taking funds from developer Gailles who footed the bill for their campaign. The trial is slated for September.

Boob versus the Baby

Ex-Stoopidvisor Boob Cross announced his candiacy for Stoopidviser and Highway Superman today. He declared he will win either one or the other in a primary in Shandaken. When asked to comment Stoopidvisor Stankley smirked and said he already has all the parties nominations. "Nobody cares about anything except Dean Gutter," he smirked, " Nobody has the balls to run against me." Stankley went on to pronounce that he would be carrying his baby with him throughout the  campaign since it is well known that humans are conditioned to love babies or else they would bash them against the wall if they cried one more time. "All the old people will forget about all the shit I've done and will just remember the cute baby," he chuckled. " It's how I plan on getting rid of the zoning codes." Stankey showed a box full of t-shirts with the baby's picture on them that he plans on handing out as "gifts" to voters. "Boob Cross and I are exactly alike," he chortled, "We both adore the Belly Air project, will force Phoenicia to get the sewer, will zone all of Rte. 28 commercial, are fat alcoholics, except Boob has no baby! Man, I love using my kids. Look how it worked last time."

Not ready for Prime Time

Townspeople expressed dismay in Phoenicia this week that the town board meeting was not aired. When asked, Stoopidviser Rob Stankley said he ordered public access TV off the air during the Town Board meeting. "You can watch it at a later date for now but we will not broadcast live, " he declared. According to Stankley his acting coach said he was not ready for prime time. "She told me I let a couple of audience members get the best of me and in an election year that is not a good thing." He further explained that less and less people will watch the meetings if they are shown at a later date so all in all that is helpful if people just let him do what he thinks is best. "Look, I raised the taxes a whopping 12 percent and told everybody it was out of their pocket as a mere 5% and not one reporter wrote about the huge increase," he chuckled. Stankley said the key is to keep information blurred. He went on to say that although he loves the camera, it is best if everyone is left in the dark when it comes to town business. "Just look at the town website," he smirked, " I write about everything but town business and nobody says a word. Read about contests and firehouse breakfasts but nothing about what I don't want to be telling you." Stankley then asked if his picture was going to be taken and mugged for the shot.

Lack of interest

Following the passage of the birdbrain parks and recreation board idea, Stoopidvisor Stankley scrambled to fill the newly created five positions. No brainer Piss Fischer was a political appointment revolving around the infighting about ute soccer. "The shandaken utes belong in shandaken not weirdstock," Fisher declared with Stankley quickly kissing Fishers ass over the apparent distress of Feather "I got playground equipment for my kids even though the school's playground is around the corner" Roberts. Fisher was the man behind grabbing the park for his business refusing to let the children use the park during the great soccer war revolving around the extremely controversial use of Dean Gutter's land. Roberts was named park marshall of Perish field so she can further the recreation opportunities in what her kid called "my back yard". James Cougar was named to care for the Pine hill park much to the surprise and dismay of Craig Alpomeato, an advocate of anything that he can use in his business to promote his business. The depth of the lack of interest in the new board was most apparent in the naming of pathetic "I am too going to build a resort and waterpark someday" Farty Gailles to the Big Indian park. Farty insisted she was the right person following her  planting flowers on the roadside and picking up the trash thrown out the car window by her husband Scary and the rest of the Belly Air partners. Lastly, Stankley put his own mother on the board to retain influence over the board. When asked if his father was ever going to honor his promise of finishing the handicap bathrooms in glenbrook park Stankey snickered, "Ma will make him. Once she gets going, you can't shut her up. I bet he'll never want to go home." Stankley Plumbing promised to do the bathrooms for free as a campaign promise when Stankley ran as councilman  seven years ago. The park board is charged with keeping the dog poop down to a manageable amount.