Citizen's of Shandaken,

Please be advised no roads are closed, there is no flooding.
We are in a STATE OF EMERGENCY. No bridges are out, no roads are washed out, no one is in a ditch. All available manpower is ordered out to watch the creek rise and receed at great expense to the town. All fire trucks and ambulances are ordered to drive around and around town. We had no earthquake. We had no flooding. We had no hurricane. We had no tsunami. Go to Belleayre to evacuate yourself. We are in a STATE OF EMERGENCY.
Be safe,
Stoopidvisor Stankley

Shut up!

The meltdown began when Stoopidvisor Stankley accused Merry Vermin of refusing to give up her Facebook password. Stankley demanded  the town lawyer get passwords from all accounts that have any of the twelve hamlets in their names, but only if a woman put up the page. " I'm outraged I don't have control," he spewed, "Bitches be writin' about the town without my authority." When questioned about the cost to taxpayers in lawyer fees Stankey shrugged. As to the allegations of calling the State police to aid him in his misguided mission, Stankey shrugged. Vermin asked Stankely why he could not "man up" and pick up the phone to simply call her. Stankley was unable to respond. The town board has turned a blind eye to Stankley's harassment of females. Stankley has a long troubled history with women. Stankley's current campaign against women possibly stems from his abuse by the town clerk, though rumors are unverified.

What plan?

As reported in the Weirdstock Times, Stoopidvisor Stankley failed to file the correct report to the DEC regarding Phoenica flooding.
A DEC spokesperson said Stankley filed for a 24 to 36 hour emergency permit seeking help three months after the incident. "It is our understanding he is telling the townspeople it is our fault," the spokesperson said, " And other papers are reporting it thus."
Other than disparaging the Agency, Stankley has repeatedly remarked about  short, mid and long term plans. When asked about these plans, Stankley bristled and yelled at the Phoenicia resident that he works hard without answering her query. Highway Super Erich Halfmister joined in berating the woman yelling, " Are you saying we don't work?."

Ghost Hunters to film in Phoenicia NY

Phoenicia NY February 1, 2010, The widely acclaimed show Ghost Hunterz is scheduled to film in Phoenicia NY this spring. The subject of the episode will be the SHARPY committee on Main St. in the Hamlet.

There is little activity at the committee’s headquarters in Phoenicia NY these days. In recent years all of the low income housing has been sold off. Grants for heating were depleated in the 1990’s redoing kitchens and other cosmetic remedies to make residents feel better. At a recent round table SHARP Board members, Director Snide and residents discussed SHARPs role in the community.

According to Snide “One ladies son died so we gave her new cabinets. And then our current Supervisor, Rob Stankley left his wife for a string of drunken one-nighters so we redid her house. He still owns it with her so if he ever sobers up he can cash in. We hear he has a new anchor baby with an illegal so we were looking for some funds to redo the nursery. Then we found out the apartment is so small the baby sleeps in the bathtub with the goats so we put that on hold. “

On the subject of Ghost Hunting, Snide lamented, “ It was once one of my favorite activities and I am hoping this will jump start my career in that field again. Obviously SHARP is on it’s last legs. A few times I have come into the office and heard voices.’ HEEEEEEET, HEEEEEEEEET’ they seem to be moaning. there is a legend that a woman in Woodland was turned down for a loan after she voted democrat who froze to death, but we have been unable to substantiate that.

“We are very excited for this opportunity” Said Jackoff Jordan in an interview Monday. “The SHARPEY committee is just an apparition as far as agencies that serve the public go, so going with the phantom theory fits right in. At this point in time SHARP barely exists”

“ I agree” stated fellow board member Joanne Klabb “ why Buffy and were just talking the other day how funds disappeared faster than our collective sex appeal last year”

“Yes” Buffy concurred “I can’t remember the last time I had a grant approved or an orgasm for that matter. Well unless you count that time I was grooming the cat. But seriously, I am just rehashing the same old grant we had last year cause we never gave out any money”

“True” stated Phoenica resident Ima Freizen , 77, “Last year I was heating my home with a sterno and newspaper logs and SHARP refused to help me. They said I had to count all that free food I got from Sleez Smith as income so I didn’t qualify. Even after I deducted the stuff that was rotten! This year I stopped taking the food, after all, how many stale pies can you eat? No Jackoff! I won’t ask John Porn that one!! Anyway I have no more unread newspaper supply since the Phoenicia, er, I mean Communist Times went under so maybe I will get some help this year.”

“Ha ha, I doubt that” Buffy replied “we have just enough money in the budget to pay the salary I pretend I earn before we look to sell off our remaining assets”

The RESTORE (Residential Services To Offer Repairs to the Elderly) Program will offer services to income eligible homeowners aged 60 years and older for emergency repairs needed for issues such as, but not limited to: heating, electrical and water system failures, roofing repairs and other situations that require immediate attention. Assistance of up to $5,000.00 per home will be available beginning in February 2011.

BIG INDIAN MAN SUFFERS FROM SEVERE CASE OF EGG ON FACE

SHANDAKEN NY AP-“It began shortly after I received my 2011 tax bill” stated Chick Perrez , resident of the hamlet of Big Indian in Shandaken. “I was aware strange things happened in this place ever since they named it after that wife stealing dude who got murdered. But never anything like this”

This reporter was astonished to see the scrambled egg like substance that was adhered to Perrez’s face like spackle. Told doctors were baffled by the substance, Perrez turned to the media hoping the publicity would reach someone who knew what it was, turned out he only needed to cross the street.

A dozen yards away at Moron’s Market, long time fixture Boob Stankley Sr was all too familiar with such an affliction. “ I came down with a bad case of it myself when I convinced my friends to invest in the Bellyup resort. They gave Gittah and Scarey Gales thousands of their hard earned retirement money, thinking they would double it in two yrs. geez it’s more like 11 and their investment is a memory, never to be seen again. I couldn’t leave the house for weeks! “

At first Perrez ezplained he thought it was just a bad case of drool . “I woke up one morning and there was this slime all over my face. I thought I had a heavy drool night like I often do, and maybe rolled around in it. I washed up, and it kept coming back, like one of those Brazilian religious statues that’s always dripping. Turned out to be egg. "

Reflecting on his recent activities he realized that last November he had gone to the Town of Shandaken  Budget Hearing and thanked Stupidvisor Stankley for his tax increase. “ I didn’t really consider what a douche I was being. Last year I screamed at Disclafunny for a 2 % increase. Told him it should have been a 2% decrease. All those people who invested in the resort are losing their houses!”

“But I admit I did thank Stankley for raising my taxes” Chick lamented “ but it wasn’t so bad like what like 6, 7, 8, or 9 % or something. But geez when the tax bills came and it was almost 12% that’s when it hit me.  Boy oh boy I am a freaking moron! No wonder my wife doesn’t let me out. Who thanks someone as untrustworthy as Stankley for raising their taxes? and its not like those other bozos on the board watch what he is doing. I tried to call Jacoff Jorden but he insist on using his cell phone for all town business so he only answers when he is skiing or en route to Kingston. “

When asked what the prognosis was Chick answered “ Well, at first it was runny like snot, but now its kind of cakey.Luckily it can be chipped away at. Tastes good too if you can get past the hint of motor oil. You know, I am pretty much the most pussy whipped guy in the valley,so I am used to my wife chewing my head off. I am in so much deep shit, she has had no problem letting loose on me and keeping the growth down but she is getting a little fat. Tiny Rice has been a big help too, can't ever satisfy her appitite, but she gets a little too close to the bone if you know what I mean. But I will just lay low, and try and redeem myself, adopt a kitten or one of those little kids on T V that cost fifty cents a day. It should clear up by spring, Boob Stankley said so."

Father-to-be misses birth of his child after falling down drunk on way to delivery room

Nurses said Rob Stankley was drinking cough syrup before being caught.

He later missed the birth of his third child after falling down drunk on the way to the delivery room.

Officials said Stankley stumbled into the Nurse Draper as she wheeled his girlfriend into the delivery room.

The 45 year old had told the nurse he was thirsty then reached round her in an attempt to grab rubbing alcohol.

When later asked about his actions he said he had blacked out and had absolutely no idea why he was at the hospital.

Nurses confirmed that he missed the birth of his third child.

Nurse Draper said Stankley threated to barf all over the delivery room floor if his
girlfriend, giving birth at  the time, did not stop to rub his belly.

'He commented that he was the pretty one and his needs came first' the nurse said.

After the second time passing out, the girlfriend grunted that he was just drunk.

Draper said it is unclear whether Stankley drove to the hospital intoxicated or if he was
taken there by someone else.

Later, Stankley "under the weather" and apparently unable to work, stated in a phone converstion, he didn't understand what the big deal was since he missed the birth of his other children with his wife and why would it be any different with his girlfriend.

Stankley's wife refused comment.

Sham remark may jeopardize permits

Stoopidvisor Stanley had attended the recent hearing on the Department of Environmental Conservation’s plan to cut more than 45 full-time jobs at Bellieayre, making them only seasonal, part-time positions. He told the crowd at the Bellieayre rally that in his opinion it was embarrassing to see Department of Environmental Conservation officials be so ignorant of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices.

“It was a sham,” he said.

Days later Stanley told an almost empty town board meeting that he was tentatively waiting to hear from the DEC about dredging permits that he and the town's highway superintendent  Erich Halfmeister applied for on behalf of Phoenicia.

A DEC spokesman who asked to remain anonymous stated that he and his co-workers needed much more time to review their department’s policies and the effects of those polices, especially in light of Stoopidvisor Stanley's remarks.

When asked how long his team would need, he pointed to a crated, dusty, 10,000 page document of which there is only one copy that 200 people need to read in order to be absolutely sure of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices. " We wouldn't want to be embarrassingly ignorant of our policies or be responsible for a sham," he stated.