Spirits in the Catskills Award

HIGHMOUNT -There was much confusion about the 2011 Spirits in the Catskills award announcement.
The Buffster, a pseudo paranormal expert, an employee of SHARP who cannot write grants, claimed the honoree is a real ghost who roams the hills of Fleishmanns moaning, "Where is my money?" over and over to the annoyance of the locals.
Rob Stankley, Stupidvisor of Shnadaken, blearily raised his head off the bar in hopes that some sap was buying him another drink. Seeing no handout, he licked at what others had spilled and mumbled that he was honored.
The actual recipient is New Jersey resident Kenneth Plasterknack, who was chosen for the honor by the Conspiracy to the Save Bellieayre Resort, the sponsor of the event, for his commitment in keeping the Ponzi scheme going to continue improving the quality of life and economic vitality for the partners of the resort project.
Plasterkncak, who grew up in Fleischmanns said he supports the project's scheme, “I'm a shareholder here. I care about my return. I want it to be enhanced economically.”
The award, which was dreamed up to show the breath and scope of local investors bilked and the partner's commitment to the long ongoing scam, began with the announcement of the project eleven years ago.
A partner in the Bellieayre resort project, Plasterknack sees his legacy to the region in terms of the partner's ability to be believable and able to sustain  the suspension of beliefs for those they have scammed who continue to live and work here.
The award will be presented at the " Please don't eat the yellow snow" ball and banquet.

Famous Dowser Finds Source Of Flooding

Following two years of no flooding, area residents turned,
in desperation to a famous dowser for answers.Though some
were surprised by the findings, many shook their heads and
tapped their noses as in 'I knew it'. Contracted by a group of
Phoenicia residents, who say they can not remember being
under water so many times in one year, the dowser brought
to town the the traditional tools used by the trade.
Dowsing dates back to at least the 15th century, but is
thought by some to have much earlier, even prehistoric,
roots. Dowsers hold a rod in front of them and walk
forward until it signals. A forked tree branch will dip,
incline, or twitch; two L-shaped metal rods will cross.
Another method is to hold a pendulum over a map. All
three methods were used in divining the source of
Phoenicia's flooding.
As residents watched in facination, first the pendulum
swirled around and around a Shandaken map until it
suspended in midair at Town Hall. Everyone loaded
into their vehicles and followed the dowser, and as
the dowser step out of his car with the forked tree
branch, it twitched so hard, it flew out of the dowsers
hand, hitting the building. On cautiously entering the
building, now using two L-shaped metal rods, he cried
out in surprise as the rods wrapped themselves around
Supervisor Stankley's head. "I've never, in all my days,
seen my tools act so definitively, it was like they were
possessed," cried the dowser, visibly shaken. The
Phoenicia residents plan on going door to door, in hopes
of finding a solution on how to keep Stankley away from
their town. Rick Ragingfella, raged,"Look what he's done
to Phoenicia, it's a goddamn mess! There are dead fish
in our street!"

Town Hall Infested With Bedbugs After Stankley Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

SHANDAKEN—The Town Hall suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Stankley reportedly "scored" a discarded recliner chair for his office that "someone was just throwing out" on the corner of Rt. 42 and 28 "It's plenty comfy, and I'll tell ya, they don't make 'em with levers like this anymore," said Stankley, scratching at a series of red welts on his arms as he pointed out the pocket on the side that could hold both a remote control and a Coors tallboy. "It reclines all the way back. All the way. And you wanna know what else? It holds two people, if you know what I mean. It'll be perfect for resting my eyes when I'm a work, if you know what I mean."  Meanwhile, New Paltz officials reported that their town has been plagued by an outbreak of bedbugs since a visit from Stankley to the strip club Bleu Moon.

Piggley Farmstand surpasses Belleayre as THE MOST SUCCESSFUL

At the November planning board meeting, Councilman JackASs Jordon declared the Piggley Farmstand the most successful business in town according to the sales tax receipts. When reminded that food is not taxable he declared, "They sell other stuff!" The board appears to be willing to do anything to make the illegal stand legal. "We'll turn 28 commercial!," they rallied. Reminded that the town does not have an adult entertainment law and could pave the way for strip clubs the Supervisor replied that finally the money he spends at New Paltz strip club will remain in town and since his girlfriend is gettin' fat, wink, wink, he'll need a daily diversion soon." It is part of my economic development plan put forth through my recreation committee," he leered.

Stankley reveals resolutions useless

SHANDAKEN- When asked why the town was not honoring a resolution banning dogs from town hall, Stankley replied that the resolution was not a law but a memorializing resolution.  Stankley further admitted that all resolutions are memorializing and in fact merely busy work to show that the town board is doing something. According to Stankley, no one really needs to pay heed to any resolutions including his own periodic resolutions supporting the Resort and the Waterboarding museum or the Town clerk's resolution begging the county not to eliminate her position or the Halloween curfews. He expounded that resolutions are basically for special interest groups pushing their agenda and should be printed on tissue paper and  then flushed. When JackASS Jordon asked for clarification, Stankley sniped," I've explained this to you before, so this time I'm going to speak to you slowly."

Peerez commends town board for tax hike

 SHANDAKEN- Chuckles Peerez, 57, applauded the town board for raising his taxes at the November board meeting, leaving area residents puzzled. "Last year I was irate that Supervisor Disclafunny raised my taxes 2 per cent." he said," I was one of the ugly harpies, including JackAss Jordon, who yelled at him that the tax cut wasn't good enuf. Even when I got my bill and it was negative 2 per cent it still wasn't good enuf! Supervisor Stanley's increase of 9% is great by me, though as long as employees did not get a raise." Area residents were found wondering if Peerez had finally lost one too many brain cells from breathing in gas fumes but Peerez moved quick to squash the theory. "Rob is gonna get the resort through. As an investor, that is numero ono on my plate", he added. Area residents were vindicated in knowing their theory was correct since the resort shows no signs of being built with no means to reward or compensate its long suffering investors. Gas fume inhalations cause delirium, nervous twitches, cognitive deficits, and hallucinations.

TINY RICE THROWN UNDER THE BUS

PHOENICIA- Supervisor Stankley, in an effort to desperately hide the fact he grossly overspent tax payer's money, stopped giving a $5 stipend toward an already reduced ski lift ticket. In addition, he fired  long time seasonal employee Tiny Rice, who dragged herself to Belleayre to sit on her ass on weekends to give the stipend to skiers for a salary of $1400. Asked whether the DEC ticket workers could do the job, Stankley mumbled that Oneteora just got the same deal from Belleayre when in fact any group from any where would receive the same discount. Asked why taxpayers were forced to give more money toward the lift ticket he mumbled unintelligibly. Ten thousand dollars of tax money was saved in the recreation budget when the town moved swimming to Belleayre beach rather than busing kids to Minekill, yet the money remains in the recreation budget at Stankley's insistence rather than reducing taxes. The money is used for pizza parties and bus trips to the City as part of the town's recreation program run by Supervisor Stankley. The ski program was a favorite of Stankley's as a pet project to make Shandaken THE WORLD'S CAPITAL OF RECREATION and to assuage his employer at the ski area.