The Final solution as outlined by Stupidvisor Stankley

ALLABEN- We know, historically, that there will be another event coming in the next few months. Our residents and business owners cannot continue to operate under the constant threat of flooding to their lives and livelihood.  Along with Engineers, board members toured and discussed possible solutions in the short term and long term. Discussion ensued that engineering was necessary to ensure whatever approach is taken 1)proceeds quickly and 2)must be effective. Again, work of this nature does not come free no matter who is footing the bill. All involved personnel want to ensure that money is not wasted on an ineffective measure.   
We need to solve this issue with as much expediency as is humanly possible, so these high-tech waterproof, windproof and breathable socks have been selected as the final long term plan to the flooding problems by the Shandaken Town Board. The unique fabric used in their manufacture enables moisture to dissipate away from the skin, ensuring feet stay dry, warm and blister-free in the most extreme of conditions. They really do work, and do so equally well on cold days crossing the Esopus, or even flood days on Main Street!
The solution will be available only to those residents who applied for FEMA relief for the past three floods, the rest of you will have to quit whining.

Spirits in the Catskills Award

HIGHMOUNT -There was much confusion about the 2011 Spirits in the Catskills award announcement.
The Buffster, a pseudo paranormal expert, an employee of SHARP who cannot write grants, claimed the honoree is a real ghost who roams the hills of Fleishmanns moaning, "Where is my money?" over and over to the annoyance of the locals.
Rob Stankley, Stupidvisor of Shnadaken, blearily raised his head off the bar in hopes that some sap was buying him another drink. Seeing no handout, he licked at what others had spilled and mumbled that he was honored.
The actual recipient is New Jersey resident Kenneth Plasterknack, who was chosen for the honor by the Conspiracy to the Save Bellieayre Resort, the sponsor of the event, for his commitment in keeping the Ponzi scheme going to continue improving the quality of life and economic vitality for the partners of the resort project.
Plasterkncak, who grew up in Fleischmanns said he supports the project's scheme, “I'm a shareholder here. I care about my return. I want it to be enhanced economically.”
The award, which was dreamed up to show the breath and scope of local investors bilked and the partner's commitment to the long ongoing scam, began with the announcement of the project eleven years ago.
A partner in the Bellieayre resort project, Plasterknack sees his legacy to the region in terms of the partner's ability to be believable and able to sustain  the suspension of beliefs for those they have scammed who continue to live and work here.
The award will be presented at the " Please don't eat the yellow snow" ball and banquet.

Famous Dowser Finds Source Of Flooding

Following two years of no flooding, area residents turned,
in desperation to a famous dowser for answers.Though some
were surprised by the findings, many shook their heads and
tapped their noses as in 'I knew it'. Contracted by a group of
Phoenicia residents, who say they can not remember being
under water so many times in one year, the dowser brought
to town the the traditional tools used by the trade.
Dowsing dates back to at least the 15th century, but is
thought by some to have much earlier, even prehistoric,
roots. Dowsers hold a rod in front of them and walk
forward until it signals. A forked tree branch will dip,
incline, or twitch; two L-shaped metal rods will cross.
Another method is to hold a pendulum over a map. All
three methods were used in divining the source of
Phoenicia's flooding.
As residents watched in facination, first the pendulum
swirled around and around a Shandaken map until it
suspended in midair at Town Hall. Everyone loaded
into their vehicles and followed the dowser, and as
the dowser step out of his car with the forked tree
branch, it twitched so hard, it flew out of the dowsers
hand, hitting the building. On cautiously entering the
building, now using two L-shaped metal rods, he cried
out in surprise as the rods wrapped themselves around
Supervisor Stankley's head. "I've never, in all my days,
seen my tools act so definitively, it was like they were
possessed," cried the dowser, visibly shaken. The
Phoenicia residents plan on going door to door, in hopes
of finding a solution on how to keep Stankley away from
their town. Rick Ragingfella, raged,"Look what he's done
to Phoenicia, it's a goddamn mess! There are dead fish
in our street!"

Town Hall Infested With Bedbugs After Stankley Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

SHANDAKEN—The Town Hall suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Stankley reportedly "scored" a discarded recliner chair for his office that "someone was just throwing out" on the corner of Rt. 42 and 28 "It's plenty comfy, and I'll tell ya, they don't make 'em with levers like this anymore," said Stankley, scratching at a series of red welts on his arms as he pointed out the pocket on the side that could hold both a remote control and a Coors tallboy. "It reclines all the way back. All the way. And you wanna know what else? It holds two people, if you know what I mean. It'll be perfect for resting my eyes when I'm a work, if you know what I mean."  Meanwhile, New Paltz officials reported that their town has been plagued by an outbreak of bedbugs since a visit from Stankley to the strip club Bleu Moon.

Piggley Farmstand surpasses Belleayre as THE MOST SUCCESSFUL

At the November planning board meeting, Councilman JackASs Jordon declared the Piggley Farmstand the most successful business in town according to the sales tax receipts. When reminded that food is not taxable he declared, "They sell other stuff!" The board appears to be willing to do anything to make the illegal stand legal. "We'll turn 28 commercial!," they rallied. Reminded that the town does not have an adult entertainment law and could pave the way for strip clubs the Supervisor replied that finally the money he spends at New Paltz strip club will remain in town and since his girlfriend is gettin' fat, wink, wink, he'll need a daily diversion soon." It is part of my economic development plan put forth through my recreation committee," he leered.

Stankley reveals resolutions useless

SHANDAKEN- When asked why the town was not honoring a resolution banning dogs from town hall, Stankley replied that the resolution was not a law but a memorializing resolution.  Stankley further admitted that all resolutions are memorializing and in fact merely busy work to show that the town board is doing something. According to Stankley, no one really needs to pay heed to any resolutions including his own periodic resolutions supporting the Resort and the Waterboarding museum or the Town clerk's resolution begging the county not to eliminate her position or the Halloween curfews. He expounded that resolutions are basically for special interest groups pushing their agenda and should be printed on tissue paper and  then flushed. When JackASS Jordon asked for clarification, Stankley sniped," I've explained this to you before, so this time I'm going to speak to you slowly."

Peerez commends town board for tax hike

 SHANDAKEN- Chuckles Peerez, 57, applauded the town board for raising his taxes at the November board meeting, leaving area residents puzzled. "Last year I was irate that Supervisor Disclafunny raised my taxes 2 per cent." he said," I was one of the ugly harpies, including JackAss Jordon, who yelled at him that the tax cut wasn't good enuf. Even when I got my bill and it was negative 2 per cent it still wasn't good enuf! Supervisor Stanley's increase of 9% is great by me, though as long as employees did not get a raise." Area residents were found wondering if Peerez had finally lost one too many brain cells from breathing in gas fumes but Peerez moved quick to squash the theory. "Rob is gonna get the resort through. As an investor, that is numero ono on my plate", he added. Area residents were vindicated in knowing their theory was correct since the resort shows no signs of being built with no means to reward or compensate its long suffering investors. Gas fume inhalations cause delirium, nervous twitches, cognitive deficits, and hallucinations.

TINY RICE THROWN UNDER THE BUS

PHOENICIA- Supervisor Stankley, in an effort to desperately hide the fact he grossly overspent tax payer's money, stopped giving a $5 stipend toward an already reduced ski lift ticket. In addition, he fired  long time seasonal employee Tiny Rice, who dragged herself to Belleayre to sit on her ass on weekends to give the stipend to skiers for a salary of $1400. Asked whether the DEC ticket workers could do the job, Stankley mumbled that Oneteora just got the same deal from Belleayre when in fact any group from any where would receive the same discount. Asked why taxpayers were forced to give more money toward the lift ticket he mumbled unintelligibly. Ten thousand dollars of tax money was saved in the recreation budget when the town moved swimming to Belleayre beach rather than busing kids to Minekill, yet the money remains in the recreation budget at Stankley's insistence rather than reducing taxes. The money is used for pizza parties and bus trips to the City as part of the town's recreation program run by Supervisor Stankley. The ski program was a favorite of Stankley's as a pet project to make Shandaken THE WORLD'S CAPITAL OF RECREATION and to assuage his employer at the ski area.

BELLEAYRE RESORT NOT DEAD, BUT STILL A DUMB IDEA

By JAYBIRD BRAINLESS Jr.
Corruptpundent

HIGHMOUNT — Crosseyes Ventures, the company proposing the controversial Belleayre Resort at Catskill Park, has announced the project is still controversial.

In a letter dated Monday, the principal hackers of the $400 million scam — Dean Gutter, Ken Posterchild and Emily “Deep Pockets” Funder — stated their desire to kind of refute what they called secret plans for the project’s demise. Gary Failes name was removed fron the clique in an expected attempt to distance him from the project as he is busy playing nice with the locals in Mt. Tremper.

“It has been a while since we coughed up any bullshit on Crosseyes’ progress to the community, and, in the absence of hard news, the inevitable rumors of our abandonment of the project and the Belleayre Resort’s demise have circulated,” they said.

It was February when Gutter, the driving force behind the proposed resort, unveiled a crayola and construction paper rendering of the latest concept for the project, representing the most recent and unlikely last of several transformations made to the plan, which first was announced in 1999. “Our investors are so dumb, we just rehash the same old crap in a different package and they buy it." Gutter chuckled, "Remember in May when we issued our last press release? The police chief took me out to dinner, good times, good times"

The renderings are part of the long-awaited supplemental environmental impact statement that Crosseyes needs to prepare. Gutter and his team have pretended to be working on that document for about 2-1/2 years.

Last week, Gutter and his partners said they need only a few more months to liquidate their assets and get out of town.

“In the coming few months, we expect to reinforce the belief that we plan to move forward in an effort to keep all those disgruntled investors satisfied. They actually believe we will be able, by the middle of next year, to present our plans to the planning boards of both Shandaken and Middletown,” they wrote.

Now, according to Gutter, the size has been reduced again. In fact he said it really doesn’t exist. “Actually this might just work.” he laughed” We plan to use the existing buildings next to Shimmy’s ski shop for our offices and just pretend we own Belleayre. We will then sell off time shares in properties we don’t own. Who’s going to know?"

Basically just sucking up to ‘richer than him’ homeowners in the Hardenburgh area about the project Gutter appears to have gone great lengths to make the structures as camouflaged as possible. Models built and on display in Gutter’s office show a design concept that shapes the hotel into the mountainside with “green roofs” made of vegetation. The houses would be "au naturale" also. When asked if the model was just the same old “Parsley Pancake” model he already introduced, the so-called developer got enraged and screamed some incoherent rambling about Ponzi Schemes and begging bowls. “I am a Visionary, a Luminary” he cried before having the reporter ejected by Little Al.

Area Woman Irate Newspaper Folds

BIG INDIAN- Jo Jo Klabb spewed her final vitriolic acid tongued missive in the last issue of the Phaux Times, final for the Phaux Times that is. Known for her antics like the full page hate rages against mild mannered democrats in election years, the public hearing performances that promoted her husband's employers, and whining how hard she has to work since losing all their investment money in the project, Klabb has readily been the front man for special interests in Shandaken. Klabb refused to explain herself to this reporter instead screaming that she would continue to send her opinion to the editor, Brain Power, of the defunct paper whether he wanted them or not. Klabb a champion poison author takes a smidgen of the truth and mixes it with lies until it breathes a life of it's own, though it has long been suspected the letters were written by an elderly equally deranged woman from Shandaken. As Klabb turned, her footprints left burning steam in the grass.

JackAss Denies Phoenicia Delegation

SHANDAKEN, NY- At the October town board meeting, a delegation of Phoenicia residents requested legal representation for the pending sewer contract. The delegation explained that the City has an army of lawyers at their disposal but the Phoenicia sewer use district has not one to examine what will eventually be a five pound document. With his brain working at full capacity, Councilman JackAss Jordan vehemently denied their right to understand a contract between the sewer users and New York City. Jordan went on to say the delegation needed a Request For Proposal, a protocol that has eluded his mental acumen. He further demanded the definition of a simple third grade level comprehension word used  in a resolution, as apparently he hasn't found a use for a dictionary or computer. When asked about his cerebral deficiencies Jordan waved his various school degrees as proof he had a brain. A local man was heard to remark," What a waste, the man was educated beyond his intellect."

Town Clerk Awaits Sentencing

SHANDAKEN, NY- Following the long awaited trial, the Shandaken town clerk will await sentencing in an assault case of a town employee.
Asked  why she assaulted her deputy in a least two separate occasions, she replied, "I gave the Town Board my budget which still has two deputies on the payroll plus my salary with increases including the Records Management bonus which really is part of my regular duties. I am bringing my vicious dog to work again and  my daughter Gingersnaps is bringing her puppy to piss and crap on the floors.  So, what do you think? Do I care if my dog bites someone? Do I care if I punched and pushed my deputy? I own this office, I run this town, the Supervisor and Town Board are scared of me. Get outta my face!"
The Town Board has not commented or acted on the case other than to pass a violence in the workplace policy.

Native Shandaken Man Reveals Startling News

PHOENICIA, NY- Today, Charlie Brasier, who traced his family origins to the pre-beginnings of Shandaken time, where they consider a native is to be more local than a local, revealed that a famous folk song was written about his Daddy. "This just goes to show," crowed Charlie.

Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out

MOUNT TREMPER, NY—Friends of local woman Buffy Kobe, reported Tuesday that the 54-year-old somehow lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and agitation despite of her total lack of any meaningful personal or professional responsibilities. "She rushes around all panicked every morning grumbling that she's running late," Rob Stankley said of his friend with benefits(usually on Tuesday morning), whose frequent sighs of frustration and unending claims of exhaustion belie the fact that no one depends on her for emotional support or for the income of her part-time job working at SHARP. "Buffy sleeps more than anyone I know, yet every other week she complains about how she's feeling sick and desperately needs a vacation." Buffy was unavailable for comment, telling reporters that she was "totally swamped" with a bunch of work and personal stuff. Friends opined that perhaps spending the "profits" from the sale of Friendship Manor was indeed exhausting.

School informs families of suspicious character

SHANDAKEN — The superintendent of the school district took aggressive action last week to warn parents about a a child safety issue.

On Sept. 24, parents and guardians received an automated telephone message from the school district:

“The intent of this message is to make you more vigilant at your child’s bus stop today and in the future. It has been reported that a tan van  with significant rust approached several bus stops this morning to the point that children felt very uncomfortable in the Phoenicia-Chichester area. No other incidents occurred, but administration wanted to inform you of this event. The driver was a white male with white hair who was leering. The  School District has notified the local authorities of this event. Again, this message is to bring more attention to your child’s bus stop before and after school.”

Three Thousand Shandakites Suddenly Realize Shandaken A Horrible Place To Live 'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

SHANDAKEN—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of the Town of Shandaken decided to evacuate the famed vacation land, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, tree-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,"  all three thousand citizens in each of the eleven hamlets packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of fresh air and open space.

By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of Route 28, and the area's three major side roads were flooded with Shandakites, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 70 percent undeveloped land wasn't constantly suffocating them.

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Big Indian Chuckles Peerez, who, after watching two bald eagles gnawing on a  bloody small dog carcass, finally determined that Shandaken was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, screw that. I don't need to work three jobs to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being with cell service."

 "You see this?" added Rick Raggingfella, pointing at a real estate listing for a house in Phoenicia. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a fucking den—and a patio. One hundred fifty thousand. That's total."

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday Shandaken events. For Lorry Frasier of Phoenicia, an endlessly barking dog sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the dog as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Peet Demonica of Pine Hill it was being cursed at for wearing sandals year round; and for George Nearly, of Shandaken, it was his overreaction to a little red car driving too slowly.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of  flower barrels on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among hundreds of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; the constant bickering over who should pay for the sewer; the plethora of flags on the telephone poles and grave sites; sunburned tubers leaving actual crap in the Esopus; muddy, leaf-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person like Al Piggley and Al Freelanda whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn trees.

In addition, three thousand Shandakites reportedly left the town because they realized the phrase "No law west of Olive" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a bear take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.

"I was sitting on my porch, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Phoenicia resident Eric Manson, 67, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."

"This place sucks," Mount Tremper resident Boob Cross, 64, told reporters. "It just sucks."

When fleeing residents were asked if they would miss the town's iconic landmarks, most responded that Giant ledge is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing nature, that the Woodland Valley Bridge is great but it's just a  bridge, that what's the point of the Phoenicia Eagle anyway, and that living in a wholesome, clean area isn't worth having with NO RESORT.

"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 42-year-old Rob Stankley, a lifelong Shandakite. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"

"Plus, it's not likely that I'll be able to get another $30,000 grant from Buffy over at SHARP for a new kitchen in my house," he added. "So that sucks. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds."

By Tuesday night, Shandaken was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some six thousand Woodstock residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of distinct reason, and yearning for a town with no cell service, had already begun repopulating Shandaken.

NEWZ FLASH

 

What you heard is true.

Biggest Idiot in recent memory

The constant refrain of the past 8 years of "Can you hear me know" Chuck Peerez and Rob Stankley is strangely quiet since January. No one has voiced the opinion that the Town is probably the owner of the cell tower since Mariner has reneged on the tower contract and most likely out of business. Strangely, no one has voiced any opinion, for that matter, on anything. Yet, Hack Jordon came up with a solution that has the taxpayers providing cell service to the Town Hall. What a guy! With his brain working at full capacity, Jordon suggested, as offered by the cell provider, everyone of us buy relay antenna and boosters to get cell service. All except the town hall which will get it bought by you and me. Jordon called this a step in the right direction. So let's take $250, the cheapest booster, times approximately 1500 homes in the area, and the cell company would rack up $375,000.00 With no guarantee of a strong signal. Hack is right on top of it, isn't he? Communication + Teamwork = Success

A Man Called Mustang_______Sally

Shandaken chapter in the saga loosely based on the story "A Man Called Horse."
In 1998 a commodities trader is captured by a developer. He lives with other investors and begins to understand/accept their lifestyles.
Eventually he is accepted as part of the tribe and becomes their leader. See the grueling ritual of hanging him with hooks by his man boobs to the beating of the big drums when the Big Indian tribe makes him their chief.
Free. Big Indian Park Sat. June 12th.
Fun for the whole family.
Refreshments served following the official naming of Mustang Sally to  Chief of Lost Cause Tribe and the re-dedication of sacred jaundiced totem pole.

Georgie Porgie ran away

The Daily Freeman has a service to report issues in town.

Looking at Phoenicia, what do we find? A dangerous pullout, a missing sign and a speeding car. Checking out each of them we see the Shandaken Police are watching.
http://www.seeclickfix.com/watch_area/8371 Hmm... interesting. 16 fix it and 29  complaints on the dangerous pull out and one for the speeding car. What issue does Officer Porgie promise to look into? Ha! Wrong! The one speeding car..... where? you ask breathlessly.... Broadstreet hollow in ???????? What? CHICHESTER!!!!! HAHAHA Porgie wants to put more patrols in Broadstreet hollow, Chichester. Sounds like he got punked by John Porn. Geez John, wonder who could that be you fingered? No! Not little kids.... Geez! John! THAT is a different issue. Make us PUKE.You said it was a  white haired man who drives a little red car. Really, John? Really. Hey Georgie Porgie! Do you live in Chichester?

Hacks Diet

Wanting to loose wieght for the upcoming sport season Hack Jorden decided to shop around for diets.

 John Porn suggested to him to a diet he had been using that was available on the web for a small monthly fee. "It's great" claimed Hack "They provide you with visual aides that along with specific arm movements are sure to rid the body of excess fluid buildup"

"Yes" John Porn chimed in " we have an entire network of users that have been employing this system for years, and we have a variety of stimulant packages for all tastes. You can include your partner or go it alone, your choice" Noting that he lives a solitary existence, John Porn went on to say that the system has not only made him feel relaxed but given him the tools he needs to forget just how repulsed the opposite sex is by him. "When you go through life with the social and moral obstacle I have, it's important to find a support group that shares your interest and hobbies. I feel like I have a new family and I am happy to share it with Hack"

When asked about a report on the web that this particular diet, while successful at ridding the body of excess fluid buildup as promised has also led to protein deficiencies and thick wrist syndrome, Hack scoffed.

"I have met many of Mr. Porn's associates and I can tell you they have no such problems. They are a great bunch of guys who look fine and are willing to share. All I can say is I tried the diet and I am hooked!"

What Chuck Peerez should have known

Big Indian's Chuck Peerez, fondly known as La Cucaracha, really knows how to hurt a guy. I was frankly stunned to hear him point his finger and say that he didn't know that
Vin Burnstien, whom he voted for, had been given lifetime family insurance  as part of his retirement package from the DEC. Peerez also seems to have been unaware that Hack Jordan and his wifey receive free insurance as part of his package from the school district. Peerez charged the town employees with failing to disclose their pay with insurance benefits. Peerez seems to think only in terms of town taxes and forgets that he pays state and school taxes which provides ex-state and school employee health insurance.

Jordan Forms Sex Commission

Today Councilman Jordan formed the Shandaken Commission on Sex Policy to review existing policies and laws, recommend changes, and identify best practices from around the town. The group is to focus first on an adult entertainment law. Policy recommendations are to be provided to the town board.

The commission is comprised of two individuals who are not current decision-makers within town government so that the issues receive an arms-length review. The third is on the Planning Board. The individuals were chosen because of their expert knowledge on specialized sexual proclivities. Officials from within town government will, however, be invited to provide their input.

Town Clerk proposes separate but equal law

SHANDAKEN The new law proposes services, facilities and public accommodations to be separated by political party, on the condition that the quality of each group's public facilities are to remain equal. "We all know that Democrats are not the same as us," declared Lorry Frasier, the Shandaken Town Clerk since 1934. She went on to explain the town hall bathrooms would be converted. "I will not share a bathroom with those people, I could get a disease," she said. The law would require all businesses and public places to post which party is welcome. The public hearing on this law will be June 8th following the Pine Hill extension bullying.

Prestigious and Coveted Cup

The Shandaken Day Cup is the most coveted award of Shandaken Day. Though hardly anybody outside of the Big Indian fire department cared, still it is considered prestigious by those who state it with loud conviction over and over. The Cup, not a traditional prize, is won through various bogus games of skill, hence the extreme lack of participation. Last year, Big Indian FD won, not surprisingly as they were the only department to show. The Cup boasts a two sided graphic with the hosting hamlet's logo on the outside and the eagle logo on the inside. Those who have wore the cup serendipitously, reported that the thrill of having an eagle near the proximity was unparalleled. Supervisor Stanley urged everyone to participate in the games and promised to place the award on the winner in a special ceremony. Photo: Big Indian Shandaken Day Cup

Sunrise Service

Shandaken NY: The annual sunrise service was held by the Shandaken Eagle Committee this Easter. The Order of the Grand Talon wore their official uniforms and performed the ritual dance of the dung. Six baby kittens were also sacrificed. When asked what a predatory bird had to do with a religous holiday, the reporter in attendance was pelted with a white substance and accused of not supporting the troops. The Shandaken Eagle, once a part of a train station or some other big building, was bought for $12 at a white elephant sale in Hoboken in 1986. Since then the spiritual essence of the big brass avian has been touted by several residents. " I saw it cry blood on Jerry Sayso's birthday" cried Jane Rosbitch. After the ceremony, John Horny was having an egg hunt for all who were interested.

Republican Club spent almost $2,000 at bondage-themed strip club

SHANDAKEN -- Under fire from both the right and the left, the Republican Club is investigating how and why it spent nearly $2,000 for "meals" at a bondage-themed strip club in near New Paltz featuring topless dancers simulating lesbian sex.

The Republicans confirmed Monday that it reimbursed a Shandaken member for $1,946 spent at The Bleu Moon, a high-end bar/lounge that's described on one Web site as "classic slutty" where "you might not be completely shocked at the almost naked women writhing on each other, but you will undoubtedly be in awe."

"It was obviously improper for more than one reason," said a party spokesman John Horney. "It was not a sanctioned SRC activity. It was improper because of the venue."  He denied knowing if any club members were dancers or patrons.

Mama raised some fools

The board took $5,000 out of the Good Neighbor fund to pay for some aspect of fixin the septic.
Whaaat?
What about the buildin line in the budget?
Why did we get taxed for that if they're gonna pick the fund clean?
What does the board intend to do with the $20,000 for fixin things? 
Buy flowers?
This Board will go down in history as the stoopidist board evah.
No contest.

ROBBIE'S RUMINATIONS

SHANDAKEN RED QUEENS HOST DINNER AND ECONOMIC SUMMIT

AKA the SPD, the Red Queens will not be out shined. They will be serving up delicious fare while helping businesses navigate the pitfalls of borrowing money, creating jobs, and making stores safe. Special webmaster help from junior queen Geo.

SPAGHETTI DINNER SHANDAKEN RED HAT SOCIETY'S GALA

The investors known for their lavish red hats will swagger while serving meatballs in gravy. They are also commemorating 11 years of strong arming and defamation. There will be speeches and surprise guests. I've been told we will see our fav couple in attendance.

AL AND BUFFY CELEBRATE

Feted at their favourite trough, the family gorged themselves with everything but fruit and vegetables. Booze flowed so I was happy and was the featured toastmaster. I wished the best in changing the zoning on 28 and expanding the stand to year round, but only if I get free stuff like the planning board gets and I don't like produce. And to my nearest and dearest, I granted continuing "friend privileges". Many happy happy hours to these two lovelies!

DRINKING CELEBRATED WITH FUNDRAISER

My part will be skiing, duh! I will beat Wetland the pussy wannabe. I am really something, you probably all think! Don't ask me details! It is a XX special  fund raiser for the rec committee!

LUCKY ME TWO SURPRISES!

Stumbling into the Arms and Sportos I was surprised to get a free drink from both places on the same day. My favourite things in the whole world!  I'll keep mentioning your businesses at town hall meetings so you keep supplying me with freebies! You all like me, you really really like me!

BOARD HAS NO CONTROL OVER ELECTED CONSTITUTIONAL OFFICIALS

Let me clear up a giant misunderstanding among local taxpayers. First of all, the town board(including the supervisor) has absolutely no control over anyone. In other words the board can not tell an elected official how to behave. Therefore, you are on your own dealing with the bitchy Town Clerk.

WRONG MONTH NAMED FOR TEAM GITTAH DANCE MARATHON

Apologies to those who cleared their calendar in April to see the latest in Catskills couture fashion designs to be worn by Team Gittah at the semi-annual "Let me tell you about the Development" spring fling marathon dance. Please no cameras. This is the preview of the group's improvements to the town. This I can tell you, my gown is stunning! You have never seen me looking soooo good.

SLEEPS THRU BOARD MEETING

 Clare and Richard formerly of Phoenicia, slept right through the meeting. It was Dick's birthday and he  and his wife spent the night in bed, while I devoted the first hour to social announcements and made it sound like the town government has a finger in every pie and every organisation, took credit for things I dint even know about, got prompted by the two Als, Piggley and Freezenda, and claimed everything is a fundraiser for the rec committee, even bar hopping and smoking on the playgrounds. Anyhoo, belated birthday wishes to Dick, who is a retired attorney.

Take care and god bless!

Luv ,

Robbie

Let's Reverse the Pattern of Secrecy

Sunshine Week is a national initiative to open a dialogue about the importance of open government and freedom of information. Concerned that our government keeps from the American public the information we need to make our families safe, secure our country, and strengthen democracy, a broad-based set of organizations are set to protest.  We hope you'll help.


There will be a parade in Phoenicia on March 19 highlighting the importance of Sunshine Week. Interested in marching? Get a group together, contact your local official demanding them to share the monthly resolutions, the minimum of transparency at the local level. Dress in sunshine or open government themed messages and gather at the eagle at 4 pm.

I love the smell of brimstone in the morning

Dig all you want. I will be here forever.

ABOVE IT ALL, A GUEST COMMENTARY

.

JOANNE AND ALL PLANNING BOARD MEMBERS AS WELL AS OTHER BOARDS,
ARE EQUAL TO OR ABOVE THE ELECTED OFFICIAL, BECAUSE THEY ARE VOLUNTEERS AND OFFICERS OF THE TOWN. THEY DON'T DO IT FOR THE MONEY. THEY ARE SPECIAL. THEY PLAN, THEY ARE CHOSEN.

Obviously, compensating for the size of his penis

Obser­va­tion:
Often the size of the gavel used by a Shandaken Supervisor is inversely pro­por­tional to the pro­por­tions of the banger mem­brum. Studies have been done to find if there is any correlation between body parts in determining penis development. All studies seem to find the myths of big gavel equaling a small penis to be true. The factor of frequency of use was found to be a measure in which the small penis subject attempts to deflect attention away from the topic at hand.

Definition:
Small penis gavel syndrome. The bigger the gavel the smaller the penis.

1. A small penis gavel syndrome is a big gavel banged by a man trying to overcompensate for having a small penis i.e. tiny dick overcompensation microdick penis.

2. Also applies to humongous "manly" gavels that are not allowed to be used by others, let alone get banged on. Glossy walnut, pinstriped handles, and similar macho-but-impractical gavels that are coveted by insecure elected officials. The big gavel is the most useless gavel ever made; it's the ultimate small penis.

3. Fancy-ass carved gavels. Seen banging, excessively, usually with loud and very bad politic speak blaring. These gavels are often older models, banged by young men (ages 30-45, usually).

Understanding:
Person A: Wow, that guy must have the smallest penis in the world.
Person B: Yes, in fact it may even be a woman who thinks they are a man.

Perma-rage

Clerk Lauralynn is in a snit again. Obviously this, her latest, is directed, once again, at a specific target. First posted on the website, then spoken inarticulately or with as they say, forked tongue, at the board meeting and then put in the paper at taxpayer expense, Frasier is accusing you, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, of harboring a snake or as she likes to call it, an unlicensed wild animal.
She KNOWS there are snakes in Shandaken.
Maliciously slithering out an alternative motive she hissed,"You know I always get what I want and if you cross me, I'll make you pay!"

WHO are these snakes?

He speaks fluent gooblygook.. who knew?

Rob Stanley  showed the audience how adept he was at speaking gooblygook at the February town board meeting. When councilman Dim Malloy asked why the officer in charge couldn't use the retired squad car for his vehicle, stankley replied in vintage gooblygook that had Malloy looking blankly confused which admitedly isn't remotely difficult.
Asked to clarify his answer, he did so again in middle gooblygook which resulted in the town board buying a new vehicle for the chief,  a new cruiser for the police department,  a clown car for the zoning officer, and a scooter for Hack, using the good neighbor fund and leaving the capital expense line that was created for such purchases untouched. Chuck Perez protested to no avail as Stankley blurted he was enrolled in advanced politic speak which he was anxious to try out on the town. He later admitted his first attempt was reading the Time Warner list of shows rather than read the New York Comptroller's report on problems in the town accounts. "It was perfect," he gleefully exclaimed, " Not one question about the report!"

I pledge open government______________NOT!

Transparency seems simple enough. Show us the money, show us the resolutions. The pursuit of an open government should be done with an open mind. HA! One month into his administration and already playing games.

You can't always get what you want....but sometimes

Things just have a way of working out. I'm not sure if it's the time of the year, the moon cycle, planetary alignment, a monkey who predicts earth quakes, or what have you, but sometimes things really just work out the way they are supposed to.

Last year when Shandaken Unplugged began its run following in the steps of the late great Original Fanci Colon/Barry Derrmann's The Shandaken Truth, no one could have predicted the impact both sites would have on the community and the events that eventually unfolded. Not that the Buffster is claiming these sites were responsible for the hysterical results, not in the least. I think the readers did that all themselves. However, one cannot deny the effect that was felt, both positive and negative, as was the intention, on the community. What was probably the biggest surprise to the Buffster herself, was that others were also paying attention to the posts on the blogs. By "others", the Buffster means people who live in the Hudson Valley Corridor. Yeah, I know, in school they taught you that the world ended at the thruway round-a-bout and that was where the earth dropped off flat!

But a whole world does exist outside the little bubble you call home (Shandaken) with people, and boats, people on boats, cars and dogs, dogs driving cars, etc. And in the mix, executives of big box stores exist outside the bubble. Big boxes with social commentaries, fancy clothing, sparkly sweatshirts, and employee discounts. Ironically, executives outside of the bubble like to read blogs from inside the bubble. They like to read lots of blogs inside the bubble. And when they see a blog they really like (read: laugh their ass off while reading) they contact the blogger and...you see where I'm going with this, don't you?

Yes, chirruns, the Buffster was recently offered a position as an associate that is outside the bubble with glossy floors, fancy flyers, sparkly shelves, and lots of new merchandise. ! Do you think stoli cocktails at Belleayre can be considered an expense write-off?

Of course, I know what you're thinking, I can always tell what the voices in my head are thinking, even before they say it.

"But the Buffster , are you sure this is the real deal, and not some dirty trick set up by the evil doers of the town?"

Yes, at first I was suspicious too. Anydrinkwhore, you know how I love a good game and an offer for free drinks, so I said, "Usually I suck but this time I'll bite."

But after several phone conversations, and finally a fantastic lunch at trendy (read: expensive) lunch cart, it became apparent that I was in the company of an honest to goodness executive. I highly recommend the rotisserie hot dogs with chili sauerkraut- I likes my lunch that kicks me back, the Buffster thought, "If this is a dirty trick being played on me, with a $3 lunch under my belt, I can't wait to see how they drop the bomb." Then came the little Debbie cake with cherries...that was only eh, so bomb dropped!

Anyfoodpoisoning, long, wonderful, exciting story short...the Buffster will soon have a larger contingency of bitches to blog to! But fear not, my loyal beh-behs, you will not be abandoned. Not fully.

Soon enough I will no longer have the time to devote to this blog that I have in the past, but rest assured, I will continue with staggered (pun not lost on me, how 'bout you?) posts, I'll need to keep up with local shenanigans and try out new bitching methods, won't I?

The moral to this story? Wicked, with a large dose of funny is attractive and marketable. Mean without humor...not so much. That's a lesson some have to learn the hard way.

So, yes, things turn out the way they are meant too, and maybe it was the monkey who predicts earthquakes who made it all possible. Or maybe this time is was equal parts hard work and the Buffster's unique talent... with a dash of Smirnoff.

Okay...perhaps it was also a quarter cup of monkey prediction...but only for coloring.

Till next time, my beh-behs

 Join me on Facebook
The Buffster  just discovered this wonderful way to keep up with her bitches, Facebook, so I have opened an account, and would welcome you to follow me as a friend. I'm too shy to friend request myself (i.e., the liquor cabinet is full) so if you're game, give me a look-see!

The Buffster on facebook

Town Owned Newspapers -Coming to our town soon

There have been rumblings. Now Shandaken is the first town to embrace its own propaganda machine.The town of Shandaken last week struck a deal with the editor of the Fauxnicia Times, an unusual deal because it involves the newspaper and the government it covers.
Of course, we don’t expect this to impact the paper’s coverage of Shandaken government, since there is little in the way of hard hitting news and virtually no investigative reporting. Now we have a paper just like the old Townsman as the mouthpiece of the government.
No word on whether the town will change its motto from “where the eagles soar" to "where the eagle is a pinko".
 
Conservatives rule! A new poll by Rasmussen reveals 40% of those polled identify themselves are conservative, outpacing those who consider themselves liberals or moderates. This is great news as we head into 2010, which is likely to be one the most important year's yet for conservatives. We know we represent the values of most Americans, and we need to remember that as we forge ahead!

Lovers and Loosers

Why does Pat look so uncomfortable?

• A. Something is poking her in the back and everyone's got their hands folded.
• B. Something is poking her in the back and she doesn't swing that way.
• C. John just told her he gave out her phone number too.
  

She deserves a plaque. Don't ya think?

Maybe Rob gave it to her in private. 

Less the gas money she charges the town for picking up the mail (even though it's on her way to work or on her way back from lunch) that had the new policy from the insurance company that made changes in how they will do business with little or no input from the insurance holders because they are bleeding money and needed to change they way in which they do business.

2010 the year of the Stoopidman

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poor pitiful charlie holds the prize for longest seat warmer on the planning board and can't even get appointed temporary chair. wonder if the town board  advertised his position every time his term was up? looks like he's got the buyron curse, can't get elected judge and lost his mojo. gosh, it would be a shame if this put him in a beatin' mood.hahaha How bout tiny and lauralynn askin' vin if he was a good catholic boy? Me thinks he's a little too old to be an altar boy.hahaha why is the town Bored so reluctant to put in a time clock for the town employees? The highway workers use one. Is it because when g and g go to "lunch" they lose track of time and come back to work late but still get paid for having "lunch"? hahaha where is the buffster? rumor has it she's learnin' some moves from patty cakes for a new interview after her last one put the judges off their lunch. we were wrong about cakes finding love at the bleu moon, well somewhat wrong, hearsay has it was the other dancers who stimulated her libido. hahaha do you remember when swingers were all the rage in town? why do the kallbs always sit between the gailles?hhahaha does rob have to torture jacck and make him read in public? couldn't' he show some compassion and read for him? do ya think jack'll push the gary g idea of givin us just the number of the resolution for the board to take a vote on or will he git some more education and learn himself to be a better reader? hhahaha what is robs obsession with Mary?  hahaha . why does rob have to lie? everybody knows it when he does it. lee ann trained wendy, yea right how'd she do that when she was workin at SHARP? why can't Pep train another girl? after all she's the one who makes them run cryin.hahaha . looks like the state is comin to town do do an audit.  do they know about the donation funds, does anyone ever get a receipt? Or is that extra special books that lauralynn keeps for herself? hahaha rob has told lots of folks in phoenicia that he will have a moratorium on the sewer for two years. two years to do what? is he hoping he doesn't get reeelected so he won't have to make a decision? let's see if charlie has the balls to ask him. hahaha rob passes shandaken day off to vin, he doesn't want it and tries to pass it off to jack who jumps at the chance to gaze into marys eyes as museum liason rather than have to do shandaken day.. No takers. no one wants to work with lauralynn. HAHAHA rob did this publically?  din't he talk to his cronies before the meeting? he is on all the committes so you just know it'll have to  be great this year up in glenbrook park, Robby boyz home halmet. we pay  taxes so this event can happen because it brings in the tourists.HAHAHA or is it roszit landing? isn't that where the aliens probed?hmmm Pine hill water billing is twice that of Phoenicias yet if you totalled the number of bills that get sent out it would be the same number. hahaha Ger sezso is chomping to get named to the planning board over reappointing Waterman. Ger has cost thousands in legal fees for lawsuts brought on by his stoopidity. Sure Rob will put him back on. what's your tax money to Rob? Spending money! hAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha

Stanley Pardons Potato In Inaugural Ritual

ALLABEN—In keeping with a brand new Shandaken tradition, Supervisor Stanley ceremonially pardoned a 4 pound potato today at a ceremony in the Town Hall. "Under my authority as Supervisor of the Town of Shandaken, I hereby grant this potato full and unconditional clemency," a smirking Stanley declared as he gently patted "Dick," a red potato grown in Big Indian and selected from millions of candidates yielded by this year’s harvest. "May he never find himself in a casserole. Right, little guy?" Like potatoes reprieved before him, Dick will ride as an honored guest aboard the second float of the Phoenicia Memorial Day Parade before spending the rest of his life in the comfort and safety of a tuber petting zoo.