Who's your Superman?

With the election quickly approaching and the plague that is the DiSclafunny administration coming to a close I thought it wise to sit down with a bottle of Courvoisier, and go over the list of attributes and deficits of the candidates. Only the Republikans as they are the only ones that count. It was enlightening. Please…enjoy.

Councilmen Candidates

Jack “Flash” Jordan

Employment: Former school administrator, part time ski instructor, semi-retired, collects a pension and returns to work periodically to make $550 per day at taxpayer expense.

Marital Status: Happily married to Kathy “I’m not really an Aley, but I keep my first husbands last name for political purposes” Jordan. Word about the Mrs.: She worked for the Onteora School district licking stamps or writing checks or something. Then the whole VoucherGate happened….seems pretty little miss was so distracted by her recent split with hubby #1 (not that there is anything wrong with divorce mind you, especially when you can retain the name to feel like you belong i.e. flo stankley) pretty miss wrote numerous checks to the same vendor for the same voucher, this error was discovered while she was writing check number 9 or 10 or forty-three, so now a sexually flustered pretty miss who couldn’t keep her eyes off the prize of new Interm “I make $550 a day and I have pretty blue eyes” Principal Jack, allegedly attempted to forge a voucher, but she got the date wrong, FOILED AGAIN (pun intended). Sooo what was the outcome? Kathy resigned after 27 yrs of service to the school district, but not because she wasted taxpayer money and had no idea what she was doing (only teachers have skills) but because during a meeting with the school board they made her cry, ruining her make up and chance to date Jack, as he only dates girls as pretty as he. Well she fixed her makeup during her new found unemployment, married Jack and she never has to work again. Don’t you kids love a happy ending??

Attributes: Jack has been on the scene locally watching the travesty unfold before our eyes. Jack’s background in administration on a large scale more than qualifies him for the day to day administration of a small town. Jack knows his way around a FOIL request and is not afraid to spend millions and millions of dollars all over again, even when he is asked the tough questions over it he just screams “TEACHERS ARE WORTH EVERY DOLLAR THEY MAKE!!! THEY WENT TO COLLEGE AND THEY HAVE SKILLS “ and knows he doesn’t have to explain the 50 million dollar school budget, that’s the only answer you bitches will get. He and his wife are active in local civic events and enjoy outdoor activities when time allows. Jack has taken the time to study cosmetology and grooming. Wore a tie to the last town board meeting in a very professional way. Jack has pretty blue eyes. Come on, like you never noticed, Bitches!

Deficits: Jack is not as well known as some of the other candidates. In fact he has lived in Pine Hill for like 30 yrs and not one person in the hamlet knows who the bejeezus he is. He needs to get out more in the public eye and not just at board meetings. Unless he and pretty miss bring their beauty supplies to town board meetings and give free makeovers. People would remember that!

Superpower: Has the ability to sit in the front row at Town Board meetings and control the thoughts of the audience; “do not bring up school taxes, focus on the small portion of the tax bill Peter can budget, do not bring up the 50 million Onteora spends yearly. He is also behind Chuck Perez and his ability to twitch uncontrollably. Also has above average what’s left of my haircut. Ahh the list goes on.

Pat Ellison

Employment: She gets paid while others merely volunteer. While on the Phoenicia Sewer Committee she got paid $700 to write the By-Laws, which her friend Boob Cross promptly never passed. Currently a practicing attorney. Well, she is beyond practice at this point, she probably has it all down-pat by now. Down pat? sounds kinky. say that three times fast.

Marital Status: Single and LOVING it! Girlfriend is one bitchin’ catch for any upwardly mobile professional, mentally stable man. Translation; Last time she was on a date, Jerry Say-so had no man-boobs.

Attributes: Her knowledge of Law can be a benefit in keeping the town from its current trend of a continued ability to rack up legal fees and place them on the shoulders of the tax payers, unless it’s to write totally useless by-laws. Pat is a resident of Phoenicia and has been active in the community for some time. A former member and officer of the Shandaken Democratic Club, she has no problem presenting herself as a bleeding heart liberal, proclaiming parties should not cross endorse, then running on the Replublikan ticket. Which is why she is seeking an endorsement from parties other than her much loved but misunderstood Democratic Party. Locally, Replublikan extremists have infiltrated and disrupted the calm and order of the once noble local party and have replaced it with vitriolic “nimbiciles “, pushing out the sane member's of the party. Their stance of “I am gonna push through the Belleayre Resort/Shandaken Ponzi Scheme that I bought into” attitude has made people like Pat realize that all residents, regardless of party affiliations, must work together to rid the town of the evil forces that are stopping us from recouping our investments. God, I hope her car is one of those transformers thingies and will turn into an idiot detector/dispatcher.

Deficits: Just as Jack, Pat is still not well known. Leave it to cross dressers to not get noticed. Pat needs to speak up more at town board meetings. She too, should get a make-over.

Superpower: She is a Shape-Shifter (see above) Rumor has it she used to be a man, baby. She also has the ability to have great hair everyday of the week while neglecting the rest of her body but her and girlfriend Kathy-J are working on that. She can ask retarded (not the down syndrome kind but the I have no ability to grow kind) questions at Town board meetings in a confusing yet intelligent sounding way that would make Rain Man proud.

Supervisor Candidate Rob Stanley aka da-Beast of Bellyayre

The following was taken from Rob’s own writings via his MySpace page. Fot those of you not down with the MySpace. It’s a website where the yuths and playahs go to hook up. This is just a portion. Click here to see more http://www.myspace.com/DearOlAuntie

Da Beast's Interests

General; Snow!! Skiing, snowboarding, snowblading; all of it

Heroes; Anyone who thinks "outside the box."

Da Beast's Details

Status: Divorced

Body type: 6' 0" / Athletic

Occupation: Plumber, Ski Instructor, Councilman, Playwright&DJ

Income: $60,000 to $75,000

Stanley's Plumbing
Shandaken, NY US
Plumber
Emerging Technologies & Upper Management

The end

Ok whatthefudge are “Emerging Technologies & Upper Management” ???

Stanley Plumbing Corporate Structure consist of Bob Stanley Sr. ,who is three fries short of a Happy Meal, Rob’s brother "whats his name" Stanley and Rob, when he shows up. (he doesn’t go to the icky jobs) That’s two and a half people on a good day and they spend most of that at Morra’s. So what are you upper managing??

Marital Status: Single and kickin’ it playah style (don’t tell his girlfriend, and don’t try to lay a hand on him either, she will cut you sideways, bitches!)

Attributes: He is “manpretty”. Don’t act like you don’t notice. His eyes are as blue as…well, as blue as Jack’s, frankly. Wait, they’re as blue as a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. Yes, Helena likes, she likes a lot. Bombay, that is, don’t get me in trouble with his lady friend. Anyhornydrunk, Rob has a pair of shorts that match his plaid shoes, he wore them every day this summer. The go well with his collection of Shandaken Day T-shirts. He also attends meetings that talk about getting grants. He even picks up the applications and gives them to other people. Just ask the museum director. He gave her one. She spent 40+ hours on it and he didn’t even help. Then he told people she didn’t call him. On any given day, you will find Rob skipping his regular job, and saying he is in between jobs, or saying he is doing councilman things. But really he is at the Pine Hill Arms drinking, or waiting for them to open. He hangs around Town Hall and tries to look smart. He addresses issues on a daily basis. He knows where the recreation balls are kept. Because he is active in Rec., get your mind out of the gutter! He knows where all the water lines are, can fix a leak, can recite Shakespeare, knows about T and A systems, can probably spell T and A too. Puts together the Shandaken Day events with lots of help. Works tirelessly on all town issues. Has no mustache guiding him just a cool little "soul patch", awesomely cool dude. Doesn’t take credit for shit other bitches do. Assists with Grant writing, contributes to numerous committees.He is an expert in Emerging Technologies & Upper Management. And a lot of other vauge stuff that fills lines and makes it sound like he does things. Accomplishes things like working at breaking down the system of cooperation to destroy his nemesis.Saves dollar bills for after golf activities.

Superpower: He might be Superman, I’ve never seen them both in the same place at the same time, and would you be able to recognize Rob without his hair products? Didn’t think so. Clark Kent, table for one?

So, have I given you enough to chew on?

Wait this just in from the Glenbrook Park Committee

We apologize to all handicapped people who thought there was a facility at Glenbrook park. We know it's been what 4, 6, 8 years since the Stankley's promised to git er done. We apologize to the engineer who got the blame from the Stankley's who said it was his fault or that they never got the drawings. They have had the drawings for what 4, 6, 8 years? We apologize to all the volunteers in town who have worked tirelessly to make the town a better place and are embarassed daily by the lack of handicapped bathrooms at Glenbrook. We apologize to the tax payers for the empty shell that should house finished handicapped bathrooms. We apologize to all good plumbers who now have a mark on their profession because of the Stankley's.