BIG INDIAN MAN SUFFERS FROM SEVERE CASE OF EGG ON FACE

SHANDAKEN NY AP-“It began shortly after I received my 2011 tax bill” stated Chick Perrez , resident of the hamlet of Big Indian in Shandaken. “I was aware strange things happened in this place ever since they named it after that wife stealing dude who got murdered. But never anything like this”

This reporter was astonished to see the scrambled egg like substance that was adhered to Perrez’s face like spackle. Told doctors were baffled by the substance, Perrez turned to the media hoping the publicity would reach someone who knew what it was, turned out he only needed to cross the street.

A dozen yards away at Moron’s Market, long time fixture Boob Stankley Sr was all too familiar with such an affliction. “ I came down with a bad case of it myself when I convinced my friends to invest in the Bellyup resort. They gave Gittah and Scarey Gales thousands of their hard earned retirement money, thinking they would double it in two yrs. geez it’s more like 11 and their investment is a memory, never to be seen again. I couldn’t leave the house for weeks! “

At first Perrez ezplained he thought it was just a bad case of drool . “I woke up one morning and there was this slime all over my face. I thought I had a heavy drool night like I often do, and maybe rolled around in it. I washed up, and it kept coming back, like one of those Brazilian religious statues that’s always dripping. Turned out to be egg. "

Reflecting on his recent activities he realized that last November he had gone to the Town of Shandaken  Budget Hearing and thanked Stupidvisor Stankley for his tax increase. “ I didn’t really consider what a douche I was being. Last year I screamed at Disclafunny for a 2 % increase. Told him it should have been a 2% decrease. All those people who invested in the resort are losing their houses!”

“But I admit I did thank Stankley for raising my taxes” Chick lamented “ but it wasn’t so bad like what like 6, 7, 8, or 9 % or something. But geez when the tax bills came and it was almost 12% that’s when it hit me.  Boy oh boy I am a freaking moron! No wonder my wife doesn’t let me out. Who thanks someone as untrustworthy as Stankley for raising their taxes? and its not like those other bozos on the board watch what he is doing. I tried to call Jacoff Jorden but he insist on using his cell phone for all town business so he only answers when he is skiing or en route to Kingston. “

When asked what the prognosis was Chick answered “ Well, at first it was runny like snot, but now its kind of cakey.Luckily it can be chipped away at. Tastes good too if you can get past the hint of motor oil. You know, I am pretty much the most pussy whipped guy in the valley,so I am used to my wife chewing my head off. I am in so much deep shit, she has had no problem letting loose on me and keeping the growth down but she is getting a little fat. Tiny Rice has been a big help too, can't ever satisfy her appitite, but she gets a little too close to the bone if you know what I mean. But I will just lay low, and try and redeem myself, adopt a kitten or one of those little kids on T V that cost fifty cents a day. It should clear up by spring, Boob Stankley said so."

Father-to-be misses birth of his child after falling down drunk on way to delivery room

Nurses said Rob Stankley was drinking cough syrup before being caught.

He later missed the birth of his third child after falling down drunk on the way to the delivery room.

Officials said Stankley stumbled into the Nurse Draper as she wheeled his girlfriend into the delivery room.

The 45 year old had told the nurse he was thirsty then reached round her in an attempt to grab rubbing alcohol.

When later asked about his actions he said he had blacked out and had absolutely no idea why he was at the hospital.

Nurses confirmed that he missed the birth of his third child.

Nurse Draper said Stankley threated to barf all over the delivery room floor if his
girlfriend, giving birth at  the time, did not stop to rub his belly.

'He commented that he was the pretty one and his needs came first' the nurse said.

After the second time passing out, the girlfriend grunted that he was just drunk.

Draper said it is unclear whether Stankley drove to the hospital intoxicated or if he was
taken there by someone else.

Later, Stankley "under the weather" and apparently unable to work, stated in a phone converstion, he didn't understand what the big deal was since he missed the birth of his other children with his wife and why would it be any different with his girlfriend.

Stankley's wife refused comment.

Sham remark may jeopardize permits

Stoopidvisor Stanley had attended the recent hearing on the Department of Environmental Conservation’s plan to cut more than 45 full-time jobs at Bellieayre, making them only seasonal, part-time positions. He told the crowd at the Bellieayre rally that in his opinion it was embarrassing to see Department of Environmental Conservation officials be so ignorant of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices.

“It was a sham,” he said.

Days later Stanley told an almost empty town board meeting that he was tentatively waiting to hear from the DEC about dredging permits that he and the town's highway superintendent  Erich Halfmeister applied for on behalf of Phoenicia.

A DEC spokesman who asked to remain anonymous stated that he and his co-workers needed much more time to review their department’s policies and the effects of those polices, especially in light of Stoopidvisor Stanley's remarks.

When asked how long his team would need, he pointed to a crated, dusty, 10,000 page document of which there is only one copy that 200 people need to read in order to be absolutely sure of their department’s policies and the effects of those polices. " We wouldn't want to be embarrassingly ignorant of our policies or be responsible for a sham," he stated.